Nation...on March 26, 2010 the husband was given a drivers license! It's the first time he has held a legal license in all the time I've known him, which is now bordering 28 years. Now he just needs some work so he can drive to a job.
This weekend, I will attend a 3-day immersion in 'Core Strength Vinyasa' Yoga - a practice started by Sadie Nardini in NYC. I've been a member of her online blog, and the practice centers around not only core movements (not just in yoga), but also anatomy and how to determine when a push can be too much. I am very concerned about positioning and alignment as I am paranoid about hurting more than I already do. Between my toes, heels and knees; I barely have a leg to stand on!! HA-HA!!
Oh well, very nervous about this yoga weekend - I've already taken Monday as a vacation day in preparation for the pain.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
AHIMSA...Non-violence toward all living creatures
The yogic principle of Ahimsa is to practice non-violence toward all living creatures; this apparently also means to be non-violent to yourself as well. Can't seem to adapt that part of it.
Nation...last year my husband worked a total of 11 weeks (seriously) and this year he hasn't yet worked a day. We've been living on my salary, his unemployment extensions and the final payments of a work comp settlement from 2004/2005. Well, the most recent extension has been deemed ineligible(due to not enough base weeks for last year) and there are no more work comp checks. I met with my accountant this past weekend and found out that even if I were to refinance a new mortgage rate, I'd still not be able to lower the payments to a point I alone with my salary would be able to meet on a monthly basis.
I've been sick to my stomach since Saturday and when I vocalized this to the husband, he got pissed at me, closed his eyes and said "Why are we discussing finances? What's up, you seem like something's bothering you." He asks me to share but when I do, he yells at me for what I am sharing.
I've also been feeling pretty crapped on lately at work: it all started when my boss indicated (on paper) that my bonus for all the work I did last year amounted to $11,970! It was double the highest bonus I had ever received and that was 8 years ago. I was ecstatic! Imagine my dismay when the bonus check I received was for $7400 - not chicken feed by any means, but quite a bit less than what I'd been expecting. It seems our HR manager "read the wrong line" when giving out numbers. But shouldn't my manager have known that the number was wrong; she went on about how happy she was and I truly deserved the bonus - then I get $2500 less than expected. I also felt they should be compelled to give me the number that was promised.
On top of that, my daughters salary is only $8000 less than I make - she's been working for my employer for 3 years. I've been working here for 8 years. She's in Customer Service, I manage the insurance needs and training for the 1700-vehicle sales fleet. Does anyone see a disparity here, or is it just me?
I woke up feeling crapped on this morning (regarding the above) and the husband tells me to stop beating myself up "so much negativity"; this from the man who woke up this morning complaining about aches and pains and 'how will i work when the union calls me back?', this from the man who has whined about everything and everyone--what they have and how he's been screwed, since the day I have met him...my head felt like it was on fire; all I wanted to do was scream as loud as I could. I was crying in the bathroom while he kept telling me to fuck myself from out in the hallway, mocking the sounds of my tears. All because I wouldn't cheer up on his command.
Why does he ask me what's on my mind if he can't stand to hear it? I thought I was feeling so much better until recently, and now I'd so rather be dead.
Nation...last year my husband worked a total of 11 weeks (seriously) and this year he hasn't yet worked a day. We've been living on my salary, his unemployment extensions and the final payments of a work comp settlement from 2004/2005. Well, the most recent extension has been deemed ineligible(due to not enough base weeks for last year) and there are no more work comp checks. I met with my accountant this past weekend and found out that even if I were to refinance a new mortgage rate, I'd still not be able to lower the payments to a point I alone with my salary would be able to meet on a monthly basis.
I've been sick to my stomach since Saturday and when I vocalized this to the husband, he got pissed at me, closed his eyes and said "Why are we discussing finances? What's up, you seem like something's bothering you." He asks me to share but when I do, he yells at me for what I am sharing.
I've also been feeling pretty crapped on lately at work: it all started when my boss indicated (on paper) that my bonus for all the work I did last year amounted to $11,970! It was double the highest bonus I had ever received and that was 8 years ago. I was ecstatic! Imagine my dismay when the bonus check I received was for $7400 - not chicken feed by any means, but quite a bit less than what I'd been expecting. It seems our HR manager "read the wrong line" when giving out numbers. But shouldn't my manager have known that the number was wrong; she went on about how happy she was and I truly deserved the bonus - then I get $2500 less than expected. I also felt they should be compelled to give me the number that was promised.
On top of that, my daughters salary is only $8000 less than I make - she's been working for my employer for 3 years. I've been working here for 8 years. She's in Customer Service, I manage the insurance needs and training for the 1700-vehicle sales fleet. Does anyone see a disparity here, or is it just me?
I woke up feeling crapped on this morning (regarding the above) and the husband tells me to stop beating myself up "so much negativity"; this from the man who woke up this morning complaining about aches and pains and 'how will i work when the union calls me back?', this from the man who has whined about everything and everyone--what they have and how he's been screwed, since the day I have met him...my head felt like it was on fire; all I wanted to do was scream as loud as I could. I was crying in the bathroom while he kept telling me to fuck myself from out in the hallway, mocking the sounds of my tears. All because I wouldn't cheer up on his command.
Why does he ask me what's on my mind if he can't stand to hear it? I thought I was feeling so much better until recently, and now I'd so rather be dead.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Friday, January 29 2010 - The question of HRT
Nation...the medical media have been warning for years of the possible cancerous side effects from hormone replacement therapy, which is used to treat the symptoms of perimenopause and more so menopause. These warnings come after a generation of women were injected with the urine of pregnant mares (Premarin...sound familar?) as well as whatever else they deemed usable.
When I first started really having bad perimenopausal symptoms (like last summer - when my depression first reared it's horrible head), I tearfully dumped on an older friend (like 60ish) of mine at work about how I couldn't...correction WOULDN'T...ever use such a product. It seemed completely unethical in my mind, akin to eating veal. My friend told me that she, at around age 45, started HRT and although it was recommended at the time that treatment usage not exceed 5 years, she had been on for 11 years and had come thru perimenopause with no crappy symptoms and no ill side effects!
With my recent wave of mutterings, I was thinking about that conversation and maybe exploring some tea type productsmaybe using some holistic type of skin cream. My friend, last week at work, told me that during a recent pelvic exam cancerous cells were found in the lining of her uterus - she would undergo a full hysterectomy on Jan 29th.
I think I would rather face the possibility of depression than to ever use the HRT and then face potential cancer.
When I first started really having bad perimenopausal symptoms (like last summer - when my depression first reared it's horrible head), I tearfully dumped on an older friend (like 60ish) of mine at work about how I couldn't...correction WOULDN'T...ever use such a product. It seemed completely unethical in my mind, akin to eating veal. My friend told me that she, at around age 45, started HRT and although it was recommended at the time that treatment usage not exceed 5 years, she had been on for 11 years and had come thru perimenopause with no crappy symptoms and no ill side effects!
With my recent wave of mutterings, I was thinking about that conversation and maybe exploring some tea type productsmaybe using some holistic type of skin cream. My friend, last week at work, told me that during a recent pelvic exam cancerous cells were found in the lining of her uterus - she would undergo a full hysterectomy on Jan 29th.
I think I would rather face the possibility of depression than to ever use the HRT and then face potential cancer.
Monday, January 25, 2010
January 25, 2010 - Looking toward the future
Nation...on Friday 1/22, I was given a stellar review of my work in 2009. So much so, that I felt it was time to propose a request to my boss that she allow me to restart my lunchtime classes at the gym across the street. She hemmed and hawed and wondered why I couldn't just work out for 30 minues and be back in 45, but I persisted, explaining that the classes last 1 hour and I'm old and purposely move slower so I don't slip and get hurt. Well, whatever part of that, she said yes. I was like on Cloud 9, but now can no longer use the "my boss won't let me go to the gym at lunchtime" excuse anymore.
On the homefront: I'm sure I've addressed here previously the fact that the husband has had no DL since 1984. Early November 2009, I began my letter-writing campaign to then governor Corzine asking him: 1st for a complete pardon (they called me and said they couldn't do that), and 2nd for an investigation into the DMV recordkeeping and some definitive answers to when he'd get the DL restored (that they COULD do). Weeks go by and we heard nothing. I figured it was lost in the black hole of state red tape. Lo and behold: January 5th, letter arrived from DMV (to me) re: the husbands DL. The term suspensions have expired (they didn't indicate how long ago), and all he needed to do was submit documentation that he completed the IDRC program and be re-evaluated. He completed that program in 1994 (still has the original signed form. Bless the pack-rats, I say) and today is the re-eval. Hope he keeps his jaded attitude to a minimum during the interview.
On the homefront: I'm sure I've addressed here previously the fact that the husband has had no DL since 1984. Early November 2009, I began my letter-writing campaign to then governor Corzine asking him: 1st for a complete pardon (they called me and said they couldn't do that), and 2nd for an investigation into the DMV recordkeeping and some definitive answers to when he'd get the DL restored (that they COULD do). Weeks go by and we heard nothing. I figured it was lost in the black hole of state red tape. Lo and behold: January 5th, letter arrived from DMV (to me) re: the husbands DL. The term suspensions have expired (they didn't indicate how long ago), and all he needed to do was submit documentation that he completed the IDRC program and be re-evaluated. He completed that program in 1994 (still has the original signed form. Bless the pack-rats, I say) and today is the re-eval. Hope he keeps his jaded attitude to a minimum during the interview.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
December 29, 2009 - life goes on - b/d #51
another birthday, more horror. i hoped to some non-existent universal entity to end my life, but alas woke up again. i so wish i felt like living. i imagined using a bathrobe belt to string myself up in the basement but those ancient supports would never hold my ass long enough.
then of course the guilt: the first voice i hear this morning is my daughter's wishing me a happy birthday. guess if i pulled the plug, i wouldn't have been here to appreciate that! no matter how horrible i feel inside. :)
i took this last week of the month off from work as leftover vacation days don't carryover; i should have just gone to work. i cannot listen to the husband for 1 more minute - dude, there's nothing i can do about your license, you've said all this resentful crap before about state agencies, judges, local government - it's like watching a favorite movie again and again. what starts out like cool heaven turns to shitty hell after the third showing.
he's not speaking to me right now, something that happned last night - and i hear him starting to cough inside. can't be on the pc when he gets up, that means i actually have a secret life away from here and reality.
help. i felt the blackness coming yesterday and it scared me. i'm about 2 weeks post-period and have been sugar-raging for a week. going to pick up a nice cake today for the birthday.
then of course the guilt: the first voice i hear this morning is my daughter's wishing me a happy birthday. guess if i pulled the plug, i wouldn't have been here to appreciate that! no matter how horrible i feel inside. :)
i took this last week of the month off from work as leftover vacation days don't carryover; i should have just gone to work. i cannot listen to the husband for 1 more minute - dude, there's nothing i can do about your license, you've said all this resentful crap before about state agencies, judges, local government - it's like watching a favorite movie again and again. what starts out like cool heaven turns to shitty hell after the third showing.
he's not speaking to me right now, something that happned last night - and i hear him starting to cough inside. can't be on the pc when he gets up, that means i actually have a secret life away from here and reality.
help. i felt the blackness coming yesterday and it scared me. i'm about 2 weeks post-period and have been sugar-raging for a week. going to pick up a nice cake today for the birthday.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Nation...every day I want to die.
It took every bit of will this morning NOT to drive into telephone poles all the way to work. I remembered something that just tore me up with guilt. In 2001, my daughter was hospitalized twice for depression (she was 14 years old). During one of those admittances, she was calling home 2-3 times a day, saying nothing, just crying. At the time, I know I felt that the in-patient placement was the best place for her - but now, almost 10 years later - I'm hysterical that maybe I handled it wrong. Couldn't I have at least tried to comfort her over the telephone? I remember 1 call in particular, she asked me; "don't you want to talk to me?" while crying. I answered her, "you're not talking, you're only crying. No matter what I say, you only cry." I am such a horrible mother. How cold that must have seemed to her at the time; it feels so heartless to mes now! What made me think of that today while driving to work? I swear things pop in my head like punishments.
I just hate being alive; I'm constantly reminded of what a poor excuse for a human being I truly am. Uselsss, worthless, quite beyond hope.
It took every bit of will this morning NOT to drive into telephone poles all the way to work. I remembered something that just tore me up with guilt. In 2001, my daughter was hospitalized twice for depression (she was 14 years old). During one of those admittances, she was calling home 2-3 times a day, saying nothing, just crying. At the time, I know I felt that the in-patient placement was the best place for her - but now, almost 10 years later - I'm hysterical that maybe I handled it wrong. Couldn't I have at least tried to comfort her over the telephone? I remember 1 call in particular, she asked me; "don't you want to talk to me?" while crying. I answered her, "you're not talking, you're only crying. No matter what I say, you only cry." I am such a horrible mother. How cold that must have seemed to her at the time; it feels so heartless to mes now! What made me think of that today while driving to work? I swear things pop in my head like punishments.
I just hate being alive; I'm constantly reminded of what a poor excuse for a human being I truly am. Uselsss, worthless, quite beyond hope.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Nation...it is time to Bring Back the KRAMPUS
Krampus is the dark counterpart of Saint Nicholas, the traditional European gift-bringer who visits on his holy day of December 6th, a few weeks earlier than his offshoot Mr. Claus. Like his American descendant, the bishop-garbed St. Nicholas rewards good kids with gifts and treats; unlike the archetypal Santa, however, St. Nicholas never punishes naughty children, parceling out this task to a ghastly helper from below.
Known by many names across the continent, such as Knecht Ruprecht, Klaubauf, Pelzebock, Schmutzli and Krampus, this figure is unmistakably evil; he often appears as a traditional red devil with cloven hoof and goatish horns, though he can also be spotted as an old bearded wild-man or a huge hairy beast
On December 5th and 6th, in Austria, Switzerland, Croatia, Germany and other regions of European, children greet kindly St. Nicholas with his bag of toys and sweets only to find the Saint's devilish assistant trailing behind. Hideously costumed as a devil or wild man with a whipping switch or chains, Krampus comes to frighten mischievous children into contrition.
Back in America, the rise of a new Father Christmas icon, a modernized St. Nicholas called Santa Claus, plays a central role in recreating the 'traditional' Christmas, a mildly pagan if nominally Christian holiday. The American St. Nick no longer brings his infernal assistant, but instead incorporates some of the elements found in Krampus and his ilk.
This traditional American Santa Claus places coal in bad children's stockings and is occasionally depicted as a punishing figure, sometimes even with a whiff of pagan horror. And like Krampus, Santa seems to knows everyone's moral state, as famously described in the 1932 song 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town': "He's making his list, checking it twice/ Gonna find out who's naughty or nice."
But over the decades Santa Claus seems to have lost his punishing edge. In this age of crass consumerism few if any children receive a lump of coal or prunes in their stockings, or a gift of cleaning supplies under the tree. Are not the services that Krampus provides sorely needed in this land of spoiled and dissatisfied children?
I'm SO ready for Krampus!
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