Paddling against the whirlpool of this shitter we call Trump America

Nation - why hasn't anyone of valor stepped forward to demand the immediate activation of Article 25 for impeachment, imprisonment, and euthanasia of our allegedly legally elected Leaker-In-Chief? The level of ineptitude, narcissism, and (insert any number of other ill traits) that inhabit the pod of prez eighth grader have driven America's vision of life directly into the ground like an auger.

I've had the pleasure of reading a number of articles lately, incredibly written by journalists possessing a musical vocabulary that perfectly defines my feelings - which I immediately forget I've read. Regardless, these individuals beautifully illustrate the common thread of feeling that runs through the minds of thinking people from coast to coast. But here's the rub: what can be done about that idiot in DC? Apparently nothing. As POTUS, there is a wide latitude given and he can divulge anything he thinks is relevant to any foreign government, at any time.

Time will tell if his constant need for admiration from heads of state (to the point of passing along extremely classified info like cocktail party chit-chat) will prove deadly to the people in place securing that information.

Thanks POTUS. You blithering idiot.

April 6 2017 - Jesus its been forever!

Nation - welcome back your queen: "All will love me and despair!" Just a quick entry to advise anyone out there that I am still alive, unharmed, still married, and - while fired from my last employer of record - am now employed at an amazing real estate firm in NYC. They've increased my salary $11K over three years. And I'm teaching yoga.

Had anyone told me this at my last post - when I was about to ask my boss for a raise (it didn't work out obviously): long story short: I asked for more money, my boss asked for me to write a new job description, which she immediately revised, gave me fewer duties, wrote me up, I had surgery, she eliminated my position... yada, yada... after she tossed me, they tossed her less than 1 year later... yada yada yada... she's now dead. Not by my hand - cancer. Karma? (she shrugs) Who can say.

Hang with me. More cool things to come.  Jackie O

Long Time, No See

Nation - I absolutely cannot believe it has been 6 months since my last post. Quick recap: in Oct 2010, my work group had a Team Meeting in Providence RI. On the way up with my colleague, we stopped in Warwick, RI so I could have my first full Thai Massage performed by an equisitely talented woman, Laura Luitje. I'm sure I have mentioned back in Sep 2008 how I hurt my elbow and since then have been acutely aware of every single motion when using it. I tried physical therapy, resting, exercising, rubbing, soaking - no relief of any symptoms. I couldn't even tell you what Laura did during my session, but as I was leaving, she casually said "let me know if you get any relief in the elbow." I really didn't think about it again until the Sat before T'giving 2010 when I had a massage with another Thai practitioner in NYC. While this woman Ananda Apfelbaum (who, in addition to being Laura's teacher, has also written a book on Thai massage) was moving my left arm over my head, I was getting the right arm more comfortable on the floor. I realized at that moment that my right elbow didn't hurt anymore!

Pain is a strange thing, especially in a hinge joint; when it hurts you're so aware of it, BUT when it doesn't you can go through your day using it, not even thinking about the fact you even have an elbow or knee or whatever. Which is I believe how the human body is meant to move; you don't think about the mechanics, you just move.

I finally wrote to Laura this past weekend and told her about my 'sudden' miraculous pain free existence. I am in awe of her; she is a gifted saint.

Ok...so that was Oct/Nov 2010. Of course we were at the compound for Thanksgiving; I dragged my SIL to see Harry Potter Deathly Hallows (Pt1). She had never seen any of the previous 6 movies so I missed alot in explaining stuff to her.

We also went shopping up in Portsmouth on 'Black Friday', and we saw the very first snow of the season in the form of a squall! I cannot imagine facing one of these out at sea.

Other than my annual decorating of the Corporate Christmas Tree (which was viewed by my retired predecessor, Miriam, declaring it 'Muy Bonita!'), the winter was fairly uneventful, unless you count the inches of snow which fell in the Tri-State area of NY, NJ, CT: I think it was close to 70" total - basically 2 years worth by the end of January 2011! Here's a pic from the first snowfall.

It started snowing on Dec 27th and we had a blizzard every week for 5 weeks! It was amazing!

Spring has just begun here in the northeast, but the first crocuses were covered with another blast of snow yesterday, but only about an inch or two. Like a last gasp or something.

Being spring with its meaning of new life, new chances, I have made a decision to ask for a rather large increase to my base salary - in order to remain at similar market levels to counterparts in my position: $17K. Of course, will advise on how that goes. Am I nervous...well, I'm 52 years old and have never EVER asked for a raise in my entire working life - 35 years! Always willing to take what's offered, not rocking the boat, etc. This time, I figure, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

BTW - here's the hair as of Dec 1 2010:

Why Do I Keep Living?

It seems no matter what route I choose, it is always the wrong one. Hubs wanted to wash the putside of the windows today, but couldn't find anything except earth-friendly products. I stopped the cleaning work I was doing and mixed him a sprayer with ammonia and warm water. He wouldn't use it; why didn't I use vinegar? I said you asked for chemicals. He continued to complain about wasting his time with earth friendly products.

The thought of staying another day under this roof with him is intolerable.

He actually worked for the past 5 weeks - great for him mentally and physically. He was laid off last Friday, and now has nothing on the horizon for any work; no idea re: eligibility for unemployment extension.

Well, he's awake from his nap - "you're on the computer? All day, you're talking to somebody..."

Broken

hurt mocked insulted degraded intimidated victimized crippled stricken demoralized ... broken

Friday, June 18, 2010 - Just a quick word

Nation...I wanted to post just so all know I am still alive. My boss has hired a new work comp person to replace my longtime friend and coworker, who sent a resignation letter mid-March, the morning after I begged her via telephone to reconsider. My mom always told me to never quit a job unless you've got another one to go to. I haven't always followed that advice, and when those times occurred, I was not better for it.

My new coworker is very young (25), quite a switch for me. And she works with me in NJ, not in faraway MN-CO-CA (where my former moved to and back in 8 years). I never realized how much I could appreciate the company of a coworker; my new little friend is just so bright, she grasps our processes very quickly and has tons of ideas to where she'd like to lead our safety and comp programs. I just value her so much - she is so funny, and lots of fun. We joke that between the 2 of us, we make 1 good employee!

All else is well; I started a good home practice and now will be trying to work cardio in as well.

I was worried that I was falling off the edge of the knife last weekend, so depressed, I slept for about 18 hours on Saturday and then took Monday off. Episode passed and was so busy the rest of this past week I had NO TIME to feel anything but busy - for me that's a plus!

TTFN

Graying Gracefully - Half a Length

Here I am as of early this month.

Drivers License Victory and a New Yoga Vision

Nation...on March 26, 2010 the husband was given a drivers license! It's the first time he has held a legal license in all the time I've known him, which is now bordering 28 years. Now he just needs some work so he can drive to a job.

This weekend, I will attend a 3-day immersion in 'Core Strength Vinyasa' Yoga - a practice started by Sadie Nardini in NYC. I've been a member of her online blog, and the practice centers around not only core movements (not just in yoga), but also anatomy and how to determine when a push can be too much. I am very concerned about positioning and alignment as I am paranoid about hurting more than I already do. Between my toes, heels and knees; I barely have a leg to stand on!! HA-HA!!

Oh well, very nervous about this yoga weekend - I've already taken Monday as a vacation day in preparation for the pain.

AHIMSA...Non-violence toward all living creatures

The yogic principle of Ahimsa is to practice non-violence toward all living creatures; this apparently also means to be non-violent to yourself as well. Can't seem to adapt that part of it.

Nation...last year my husband worked a total of 11 weeks (seriously) and this year he hasn't yet worked a day. We've been living on my salary, his unemployment extensions and the final payments of a work comp settlement from 2004/2005. Well, the most recent extension has been deemed ineligible(due to not enough base weeks for last year) and there are no more work comp checks. I met with my accountant this past weekend and found out that even if I were to refinance a new mortgage rate, I'd still not be able to lower the payments to a point I alone with my salary would be able to meet on a monthly basis.

I've been sick to my stomach since Saturday and when I vocalized this to the husband, he got pissed at me, closed his eyes and said "Why are we discussing finances? What's up, you seem like something's bothering you." He asks me to share but when I do, he yells at me for what I am sharing.

I've also been feeling pretty crapped on lately at work: it all started when my boss indicated (on paper) that my bonus for all the work I did last year amounted to $11,970! It was double the highest bonus I had ever received and that was 8 years ago. I was ecstatic! Imagine my dismay when the bonus check I received was for $7400 - not chicken feed by any means, but quite a bit less than what I'd been expecting. It seems our HR manager "read the wrong line" when giving out numbers. But shouldn't my manager have known that the number was wrong; she went on about how happy she was and I truly deserved the bonus - then I get $2500 less than expected. I also felt they should be compelled to give me the number that was promised.

On top of that, my daughters salary is only $8000 less than I make - she's been working for my employer for 3 years. I've been working here for 8 years. She's in Customer Service, I manage the insurance needs and training for the 1700-vehicle sales fleet. Does anyone see a disparity here, or is it just me?

I woke up feeling crapped on this morning (regarding the above) and the husband tells me to stop beating myself up "so much negativity"; this from the man who woke up this morning complaining about aches and pains and 'how will i work when the union calls me back?', this from the man who has whined about everything and everyone--what they have and how he's been screwed, since the day I have met him...my head felt like it was on fire; all I wanted to do was scream as loud as I could. I was crying in the bathroom while he kept telling me to fuck myself from out in the hallway, mocking the sounds of my tears. All because I wouldn't cheer up on his command.

Why does he ask me what's on my mind if he can't stand to hear it? I thought I was feeling so much better until recently, and now I'd so rather be dead.

Friday, January 29 2010 - The question of HRT

Nation...the medical media have been warning for years of the possible cancerous side effects from hormone replacement therapy, which is used to treat the symptoms of perimenopause and more so menopause. These warnings come after a generation of women were injected with the urine of pregnant mares (Premarin...sound familar?) as well as whatever else they deemed usable.

When I first started really having bad perimenopausal symptoms (like last summer - when my depression first reared it's horrible head), I tearfully dumped on an older friend (like 60ish) of mine at work about how I couldn't...correction WOULDN'T...ever use such a product. It seemed completely unethical in my mind, akin to eating veal. My friend told me that she, at around age 45, started HRT and although it was recommended at the time that treatment usage not exceed 5 years, she had been on for 11 years and had come thru perimenopause with no crappy symptoms and no ill side effects!

With my recent wave of mutterings, I was thinking about that conversation and maybe exploring some tea type productsmaybe using some holistic type of skin cream. My friend, last week at work, told me that during a recent pelvic exam cancerous cells were found in the lining of her uterus - she would undergo a full hysterectomy on Jan 29th.

I think I would rather face the possibility of depression than to ever use the HRT and then face potential cancer.

January 25, 2010 - Looking toward the future

Nation...on Friday 1/22, I was given a stellar review of my work in 2009. So much so, that I felt it was time to propose a request to my boss that she allow me to restart my lunchtime classes at the gym across the street. She hemmed and hawed and wondered why I couldn't just work out for 30 minues and be back in 45, but I persisted, explaining that the classes last 1 hour and I'm old and purposely move slower so I don't slip and get hurt. Well, whatever part of that, she said yes. I was like on Cloud 9, but now can no longer use the "my boss won't let me go to the gym at lunchtime" excuse anymore.

On the homefront: I'm sure I've addressed here previously the fact that the husband has had no DL since 1984. Early November 2009, I began my letter-writing campaign to then governor Corzine asking him: 1st for a complete pardon (they called me and said they couldn't do that), and 2nd for an investigation into the DMV recordkeeping and some definitive answers to when he'd get the DL restored (that they COULD do). Weeks go by and we heard nothing. I figured it was lost in the black hole of state red tape. Lo and behold: January 5th, letter arrived from DMV (to me) re: the husbands DL. The term suspensions have expired (they didn't indicate how long ago), and all he needed to do was submit documentation that he completed the IDRC program and be re-evaluated. He completed that program in 1994 (still has the original signed form. Bless the pack-rats, I say) and today is the re-eval. Hope he keeps his jaded attitude to a minimum during the interview.

December 29, 2009 - life goes on - b/d #51

another birthday, more horror. i hoped to some non-existent universal entity to end my life, but alas woke up again. i so wish i felt like living. i imagined using a bathrobe belt to string myself up in the basement but those ancient supports would never hold my ass long enough.

then of course the guilt: the first voice i hear this morning is my daughter's wishing me a happy birthday. guess if i pulled the plug, i wouldn't have been here to appreciate that! no matter how horrible i feel inside. :)

i took this last week of the month off from work as leftover vacation days don't carryover; i should have just gone to work. i cannot listen to the husband for 1 more minute - dude, there's nothing i can do about your license, you've said all this resentful crap before about state agencies, judges, local government - it's like watching a favorite movie again and again. what starts out like cool heaven turns to shitty hell after the third showing.

he's not speaking to me right now, something that happned last night - and i hear him starting to cough inside. can't be on the pc when he gets up, that means i actually have a secret life away from here and reality.

help. i felt the blackness coming yesterday and it scared me. i'm about 2 weeks post-period and have been sugar-raging for a week. going to pick up a nice cake today for the birthday.

Nation...every day I want to die.

It took every bit of will this morning NOT to drive into telephone poles all the way to work. I remembered something that just tore me up with guilt. In 2001, my daughter was hospitalized twice for depression (she was 14 years old). During one of those admittances, she was calling home 2-3 times a day, saying nothing, just crying. At the time, I know I felt that the in-patient placement was the best place for her - but now, almost 10 years later - I'm hysterical that maybe I handled it wrong. Couldn't I have at least tried to comfort her over the telephone? I remember 1 call in particular, she asked me; "don't you want to talk to me?" while crying. I answered her, "you're not talking, you're only crying. No matter what I say, you only cry." I am such a horrible mother. How cold that must have seemed to her at the time; it feels so heartless to mes now! What made me think of that today while driving to work? I swear things pop in my head like punishments.

I just hate being alive; I'm constantly reminded of what a poor excuse for a human being I truly am. Uselsss, worthless, quite beyond hope.

Nation...it is time to Bring Back the KRAMPUS

Krampus is the dark counterpart of Saint Nicholas, the traditional European gift-bringer who visits on his holy day of December 6th, a few weeks earlier than his offshoot Mr. Claus. Like his American descendant, the bishop-garbed St. Nicholas rewards good kids with gifts and treats; unlike the archetypal Santa, however, St. Nicholas never punishes naughty children, parceling out this task to a ghastly helper from below.

Known by many names across the continent, such as Knecht Ruprecht, Klaubauf, Pelzebock, Schmutzli and Krampus, this figure is unmistakably evil; he often appears as a traditional red devil with cloven hoof and goatish horns, though he can also be spotted as an old bearded wild-man or a huge hairy beast

On December 5th and 6th, in Austria, Switzerland, Croatia, Germany and other regions of European, children greet kindly St. Nicholas with his bag of toys and sweets only to find the Saint's devilish assistant trailing behind. Hideously costumed as a devil or wild man with a whipping switch or chains, Krampus comes to frighten mischievous children into contrition.

Back in America, the rise of a new Father Christmas icon, a modernized St. Nicholas called Santa Claus, plays a central role in recreating the 'traditional' Christmas, a mildly pagan if nominally Christian holiday. The American St. Nick no longer brings his infernal assistant, but instead incorporates some of the elements found in Krampus and his ilk.

This traditional American Santa Claus places coal in bad children's stockings and is occasionally depicted as a punishing figure, sometimes even with a whiff of pagan horror. And like Krampus, Santa seems to knows everyone's moral state, as famously described in the 1932 song 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town': "He's making his list, checking it twice/ Gonna find out who's naughty or nice."

But over the decades Santa Claus seems to have lost his punishing edge. In this age of crass consumerism few if any children receive a lump of coal or prunes in their stockings, or a gift of cleaning supplies under the tree. Are not the services that Krampus provides sorely needed in this land of spoiled and dissatisfied children?

I'm SO ready for Krampus!

end the marriage...?

I always get upset when the husband says we have nothing in common, but we really don't. Not only that, we have nothing about which to even talk. He hates when I read a book, but especially when I use the internet. He calls it my 'other life'. Who wants to discuss the news? how pathetic to go that route. Our family members (his sister & brothers) are so far from our place that discussion of their issues is meaningless. As to our daughter; she is quite her own person and I do not see her staying with us much longer - I'm hopeful until she finishes grad school. Then I know I'll have been a good mother.

I used to cry when thinking about ending my marriage...from fear or the unknown. But how much different would my life be, married or not? I wouldn't be any more alone than I am now; I know I wouldn't be yelled at for whatever chore I didn't perform. That would be a good thing. I wouldn't be running down to the pantry in the basement to scrape my arms with the blade of a knife...just a hint away from true cutting. The only thing I would lose is my house; I could not afford to pay for it on my own, but neither could the husband.

I wouldn't have to listen to his litany of resentments, which always sends me to a bag of tostito's lime chips or a bag of truffles. The empty-carb hour is 330-430; then I start dinner.

my life is drawn out like Dante's Inferno, with it's many levels and rooms of torture.

I've got every symptom - Primary & Secondary

Clinical depression is diagnosed when an individual experiences a severely depressed mood that includes five or more primary symptoms that cause an impairment in usual functioning nearly every day, during the same two-week period.

Primary Symptoms
Feelings of overwhelming sadness and/or fear, or the seeming inability to feel emotion. A decrease in the amount of interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, daily activities. Changing appetite and marked weight gain or loss. Disturbed sleep patterns, such as insomnia, loss of REM sleep, or excessive sleep. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day. Fatigue, mental or physical, also loss of energy. Feeling and/or fear of being abandoned by those close to one.Intense feelings of guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, worthlessness, isolation/loneliness and/or anxiety. Trouble concentrating, keeping focus or making decisions or a generalized slowing and obtunding of cognition, including memory. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), desire to just "lay down and die" or "stop breathing", recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

Secondary Symptoms
Other symptoms often reported but not usually taken into account in diagnosis include:
Self-loathing. A decrease in self-esteem. Inattention to personal hygiene. Sensitivity to noise. Physical aches and pains, and the belief these may be signs of serious illness. Fear of 'going mad'. Change in perception of time. Periods of sobbing. Possible behavioral changes, such as aggression and/or irritability.

unbeloved

nation...how sad a picture is a 50-year old woman wishing to be in a fictional place in the arms of a thorough lover whispering unintelligible, yet suggestive-sounding Gaelic phrases breathlessly into her ear (from behind of course!)...? last night, i invited my present day husband into our hot tub - he declined. so in the cool night air, under an overcast sky, listening to the falling acorns, i conjured up my Jamie - to recline under me on a single lounge length with jets of water on my sore feet, and bubbles caressing my sore knees. The jets on my neck became his calloused hands easing the tension from my stressed existence. And I could only sob...for the man I'll never know. Would that I could be just loved and have someone enjoy my company.

as each day passes, i realize not only have I never known in life the love or even mere affection that i imagine feeling from a fictional character (and I never will), but i am starting to think i may be losing my mind. I cry for all the emotions i cannot feel, and all i'll never have. The more I imagine myself with this fictional character, the more I hate who I am and just want to die.

how can something that has brought me so much joy become a mirror reflecting just how empty my life REALLY is? My husband doesn't even like me; I am more convinced of it each day. There is no feeling in his eyes (with the exception of maybe disdain) when he talks to me, the put downs and demeaning tone comes more frequently. Nothing I do or say is accepted or acceptable. i am so alone in this toxic existence, there is no light anymore, no glimmer of anything positive...

I so badly want to give myself over to the ever creeping black that surrounds me; NO ONE would ever even miss me. How sad is this life - that I bring nothing of value to anyone.

Time May Heal All Wounds, But It Certainly Doesn't Change Their Cause

Nation...After the death of my brother in July 2007, I have felt I am wandering this earth alone - my daughter being my only blood relation. But they were all of them deceived; there is another relative I have found - on of all places the internet site Facebook - my cousin Penny. She is about 14 months older than me; I couldn't believe it when I found her. I haven't seen or spoken to her in more than 25 years.

Well, I haven't actually spoken to her yet, however, she has sent me her phone number but I find myself extremely hesitant to call her. First, she hasn't aged a fucking day: she is the spitting image of Mariska Hargitay. Where'd she get those genes? Her mom, my Aunt Julie, is living and still looks good. Penny's got a daughter (that I remember from when we were young: her name is Michele). Well, she's got 2 beautiful children, a girl and a boy! There was also a sister, my cousin Laurie; from what I am gathering in the photographs, Laurie also has children - like 4, but I could be wrong about that.

Why do I hesitate to re-learn my blood family? I don't know; I should be in therapy. I should be thrilled, but I am not. I almost want to kick myself for sending her a message that I thought I recognized her and that we may be related. Why couldn't I just leave well enough alone?

My extended family at the compound in New England is where I feel comfortable; I was always so jealous of Penny and here I am 50 years old feeling like a 10-year-old having a hissy fit. She is engaged and obviously has a very full family life with 2 grandchildren and nephews and nieces. I wonder if she ever married between the birth of the daughter and meeting her fiance? Maybe I should just call her; I can always hang up like a gay idiot, right?

Why do I have to feel I have nothing to offer anyone? God I hate feeling this way. Wish I could have an epiphany.

I did decorate the front of the house this weekend with autumn leaf garlands and red & yellow lights - really looks beautiful.

I may be able to write more this week, as my boss is traveling.

Feeling good in general

Ladies of O-Nation...who says you just can't find good help with the laundry? Check it:

I think this has been photoshopped - not that this guy isn't the hottest thing sincce the great Chicago fire, but the facial skin don't match the bod skin.

What a Difference a Day Makes....24 Little Hours

(Bonus Points if you can name the artist/group who sang the title song)

Nation...I have known for quite some time that every life touches so many other lives, mostly in ways we can never see. I raised my daughter with that knowledge, always trying to have her see that everyone has something positive to offer - sometimes you gotta dig a bit.

When I read the posts I have previously made, I cannot believe they were written by me. I feel like a surfer, riding the waves in an ocean of raging hormones. Cowabunga, dude!

More often than not, I cry while reading...how can this porr person even go another day? Then I realize "omg...it's me." Then I cry harder.



Yesterday was an exceptionally bad day when I started blogging. I had some heavy concentration on how the husband paid me very little attention at all, save to berate me. I have a feeling he is probably on the borderline of a depressive crisis. I hadn't really taken the time to consider that possibility, instead focusing on me and my overflowing pity-pot.

He received a phone call yesterday morning from a friend of his; the friend's wife had a cousin who was indicating they wanted to stop drinking but couldn't, or was scared, whatever (I didn't ask many questions as this is not a matter for family discussion). The husband made some calls and started what became a sort of telephonic intervention, which in the end was for naught as the woman felt better after several hours (of people paying attention to her; it seems to strengthen the fortitude of an alcoholic, to know they haven't totally screwed up yet) and wasn't quite ready to stop drinking.

All in all, just a few hours wasted in the attempt at helping another human being. The husband takes these interventions (as well as complete sobriety) extremely seriously; it's life or death for him. But it gave him a purpose for the better part of the morning. I made sure to let him do what he needed to do, and busied myself with laundry.

After his first set of calls were made and lots of reading was done. he came into the bedroom where I was folding and gently came up behind me. He made it clear, quite quickly, what was currently on his mind. I stretched to fold the towel out before me and he reached around, supporting both my breasts in his hands. "God, they're so heavy. They feel fantastic."

I can't even remember how long it's been since he even said that to me. He sat down on the edge of the bed, pulled me in between his legs, and rubbed his thumbs over my nipples through my very thin shirt. My nipples have no conscience and were ready to make their demands known. He slowly lifted my shirt and again held my breasts in his hands, eyeing them appreciately. "They're so lovely" (yes he said lovely - I couldn't believe my ears) "god, they're perfect." And then began a too-short demonstration of the oral worship of heavy, perfect breasts. It was like a hit-and-run; then he was gone. I was left wet & giddy.

After dinner - hours later - we were watching tv. I was laying on the cat, using her as a pillow, he was sitting near my feet. He leaned over and started rubbing my back and neck, then reaching around...god it was wonderful! I sat up wanting to continue the oral worship of earlier in the day, but instead was manually convinced to go back into the bedroom for a proper servicing.

I don't know if there is a moral to this story or not. But I felt alot better after a bit of positive attention, which I'm sure became available because someone needed positive attention from the husband. Maybe like "paying it forward". I'm not even sure, I'm still on cloud 9.

Gay hormones.