ok Nation...tomorrow I see a new gyno. My last one appeared to be playing dress-up doctor, and by that I mean she looked younger than my own daughter who will be 22 next Monday. In the words of American philosopher Jerry Garcia: what a long, strange trip it's been.
The new one - by all accounts - is older than I, which is exactly what I want. Someone who may have some tried and true methods for relieving some of my perimenopausal symptoms without going the route of artificial hormones. I'm just too scared for that.
Much to my dismay, I have calculated on the scale that since my wonderful 20th anniversary trip in April 2006 I have gained 45 pounds! I only stopped working out in April of this year, but it seems that whatever I eat, the calories seem to triple. I am not eating any differently, so I think that 45 pounds is an awful lot of weight to accumulate in 2 years, even using the adage of "all old people's metabolisms slow down". I anticipate getting bloodwork done, as I hope that it will read other than "within normal range". I want something found that can be fixed. Not like I want it to be bad or a death sentence, but a piece of information with which I can work.
Hair news! I have decided to cut yet again. I cannot stand the length or shape of this hair as I look like a dick (a penis, if you prefer), with the part in my hair appearing like the opening on the head.
My sinuses are killing me and I have to go. Must speak with the hairdresser again and see when she can clip me.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Title-Free - Friday, September 19, 2008
Greetings Nation.
I have been blindsided this afternoon with a crippling wave of depression. As I sit here looking at a coffee table that needs to be cleared of clutter and empty snack bags, I just burst into tears.
I tell you that I was fine at 3PM. I have actually been using my cross trainer (elliptical) 4 times in the last 5 days, I walked at lunchtime with my 2 very young and very pregnant co-workers, and have been really eating well.
Today I weighed myself and in 2 weeks have gained 5 pounds. I seriously don't know how much more I can take of this mental instability. I don't like the fact that my insanity comes and goes, because the good doesn't stay long enough to build a life upon.
I'm so concerned about the economy, I think I'm becoming physically ill. It's painful to watch any network coverage because all they scream is sensationalism. I've been pretty faithful to CNN; they seem to be more my speed in that when they introduce a story, they give it more than a 15-second sound bite before moving on to the traffic and weather. They take the time to explain it;s beginnings and where it's gone today.
Before I fell back into the vast abyss, I did manage to do something rather hilarious I think as it's outcome will truly be of immensurable entertainment value to me. My father-in-law, also known as PropaGrampa, is a maniacal republican. I gave him the name PropaGrampa because he cuts-n-pastes out of context paragraphs from horrible right-wing magazines, then copies pages and pages of the republican propaganda, stuffs it into about 15 (at least) manila envelopes, and fills my mailbox with enough crap to cause a work comp claim for my dear letter carrier. I get packets twice a week. The man is insane; he purchased a copier from Staples because the library was charging him 8 cents per page. So he spent at least $200 (probably more since it has fax capability - god help me) and is running his machine round the clock.
I told you that story to tell you this one: I signed him up for an Obama for President button and lots of literature to be sent to him in the next 7 weeks before the election. How you like me now?
I can't wait to see him at the next family function to watch his 85-year-old face just grimace from not knowing where it's all coming from.
So my hair is horrible, I'm fat, I'm old, but I am trying to maintain my sense of humor.
I have been blindsided this afternoon with a crippling wave of depression. As I sit here looking at a coffee table that needs to be cleared of clutter and empty snack bags, I just burst into tears.
I tell you that I was fine at 3PM. I have actually been using my cross trainer (elliptical) 4 times in the last 5 days, I walked at lunchtime with my 2 very young and very pregnant co-workers, and have been really eating well.
Today I weighed myself and in 2 weeks have gained 5 pounds. I seriously don't know how much more I can take of this mental instability. I don't like the fact that my insanity comes and goes, because the good doesn't stay long enough to build a life upon.
I'm so concerned about the economy, I think I'm becoming physically ill. It's painful to watch any network coverage because all they scream is sensationalism. I've been pretty faithful to CNN; they seem to be more my speed in that when they introduce a story, they give it more than a 15-second sound bite before moving on to the traffic and weather. They take the time to explain it;s beginnings and where it's gone today.
Before I fell back into the vast abyss, I did manage to do something rather hilarious I think as it's outcome will truly be of immensurable entertainment value to me. My father-in-law, also known as PropaGrampa, is a maniacal republican. I gave him the name PropaGrampa because he cuts-n-pastes out of context paragraphs from horrible right-wing magazines, then copies pages and pages of the republican propaganda, stuffs it into about 15 (at least) manila envelopes, and fills my mailbox with enough crap to cause a work comp claim for my dear letter carrier. I get packets twice a week. The man is insane; he purchased a copier from Staples because the library was charging him 8 cents per page. So he spent at least $200 (probably more since it has fax capability - god help me) and is running his machine round the clock.
I told you that story to tell you this one: I signed him up for an Obama for President button and lots of literature to be sent to him in the next 7 weeks before the election. How you like me now?
I can't wait to see him at the next family function to watch his 85-year-old face just grimace from not knowing where it's all coming from.
So my hair is horrible, I'm fat, I'm old, but I am trying to maintain my sense of humor.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Political Information: BANNING BOOKS IN THE 21ST CENTURY??
Just what does Sarah Palin think she is doing? Following below is a list of books she tried to have banned from the Wasilla Alaska Public Library, and then tried to have the librarian fired from said library when they wouldn't comply with her censorship. Sarah Palin can be a fascist pig up in Wasilla, Alaska all she wants to, but I like my freedom and this is the greater New York City area. Here's the list:
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle
Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
Blubber by Judy Blume
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
Carrie by Stephen King
Catch - 22 by Joseph Heller
Christine by Stephen King
Confessions by Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Cujo by Stephen King
Curses, Hexes, and Spells by Daniel Cohen
Daddy's Roommate by Michael Willhoite
Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck
Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller
Decameron by Boccaccio
East of Eden by John Steinbeck
Fallen Angels by Walter Myers
Fanny Hill (Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure) by John Cleland
Flowers For Algernon by Daniel Keyes
Forever by Judy Blume
Grendel by John Champlin Gardner
Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban by J.K Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K Rowling
Have to Go by Robert Munsch
Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
Impressions edited by Jack Booth
In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
It's Okay if You Don't Love Me by Norma Klein
James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H Lawrence
Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
Little Red Riding Hood by Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Love is One of the Choices by Norma Klein
Lysistrata by Aristophanes
More Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz
My Brother Sam Is Dead by James L. Collier and Christopher Collier
My House by Nikki Giovanni
My Friend Flicka by Mary O'Hara
Night Chills by Dean Koontz
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
One Day in The Life of Ivan Denisovich by Alexander Solzhenitsyn
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Ordinary People by Judith Guest
Our Bodies, Ourselves by Boston Women's Health Collective
Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy
Revolting Rhymes by Roald Dahl
Scary Stories 3: More Tales to Chill Your Bones by Alvin Schwartz
Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz
Separate Peace by John Knowles
Silas Marner by George Eliot
Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
The Bastard by John Jakes
The Cathcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
The Color Purple by Alice Walker
The Devil's Alternative by Frederick Forsythe
The Figure in the Shadows by John Bellairs
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Snyder
The Learning Tree by Gordon Parks
The Living Bible by William C. Bower
The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare
The New Teenage Body Book by Kathy McCoy and Charles Wibbelsman
The Pigman by Paul Zindel
The Seduction of Peter S by Lawrence Sanders
The Shining by Stephen King
The Witches by Roald Dahl
The Witches of Worm by Zilpha Snyder
Then Again, Maybe I Won't by Judy Blume
To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare
Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary by the Merriam-Webster Editorial Staff
Witches, Pumpkins, and Grinning Ghosts: The Story of the Halloween Symbols by Edna Barth
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle
Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
Blubber by Judy Blume
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
Carrie by Stephen King
Catch - 22 by Joseph Heller
Christine by Stephen King
Confessions by Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Cujo by Stephen King
Curses, Hexes, and Spells by Daniel Cohen
Daddy's Roommate by Michael Willhoite
Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck
Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller
Decameron by Boccaccio
East of Eden by John Steinbeck
Fallen Angels by Walter Myers
Fanny Hill (Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure) by John Cleland
Flowers For Algernon by Daniel Keyes
Forever by Judy Blume
Grendel by John Champlin Gardner
Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban by J.K Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K Rowling
Have to Go by Robert Munsch
Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
Impressions edited by Jack Booth
In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
It's Okay if You Don't Love Me by Norma Klein
James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H Lawrence
Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
Little Red Riding Hood by Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Love is One of the Choices by Norma Klein
Lysistrata by Aristophanes
More Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz
My Brother Sam Is Dead by James L. Collier and Christopher Collier
My House by Nikki Giovanni
My Friend Flicka by Mary O'Hara
Night Chills by Dean Koontz
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
One Day in The Life of Ivan Denisovich by Alexander Solzhenitsyn
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Ordinary People by Judith Guest
Our Bodies, Ourselves by Boston Women's Health Collective
Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy
Revolting Rhymes by Roald Dahl
Scary Stories 3: More Tales to Chill Your Bones by Alvin Schwartz
Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz
Separate Peace by John Knowles
Silas Marner by George Eliot
Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
The Bastard by John Jakes
The Cathcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
The Color Purple by Alice Walker
The Devil's Alternative by Frederick Forsythe
The Figure in the Shadows by John Bellairs
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Snyder
The Learning Tree by Gordon Parks
The Living Bible by William C. Bower
The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare
The New Teenage Body Book by Kathy McCoy and Charles Wibbelsman
The Pigman by Paul Zindel
The Seduction of Peter S by Lawrence Sanders
The Shining by Stephen King
The Witches by Roald Dahl
The Witches of Worm by Zilpha Snyder
Then Again, Maybe I Won't by Judy Blume
To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare
Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary by the Merriam-Webster Editorial Staff
Witches, Pumpkins, and Grinning Ghosts: The Story of the Halloween Symbols by Edna Barth
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008 - Epiphany!
Two things to cover first: 1. My hair sucks; it doesn't do anything but bounce around my head; I wish I could use a blowdryer. But the blond now is not so brassy, and that's always good; 2. My Thai Yoga Massage intro on Saturday in NYC was very interesting. I have watched some youtubes of the massage in action, but did not realize until I had to perform on a partner just how much strength is needed to perform these massages. I was totally sore the next day! Not just arms and hands but legs, back, etc. I had three (3) different partners and each was built differently, which is important so you get to feel what different body types feel like. One of my partners commented that I was "very strong" and that was good; but mostly I sort of held back because I always think I'm going to do something wrong. No confidence in myself still at this age.
My main partner reminded me of the first yama (or rule) of yoga: ahimsa, which is to do no harm to any living creature. Apparently this includes myself, so I have to stop beating myself up. Strange how I never thought of that.
Onto my epiphany... Perhaps it was the 3 yoga massages I received from 3 partners that opened my sen lines for better blood flow to the brain, but I came to a very sound conclusion on Sunday about my depression and all the other things that have been out of wack with the perimenopause. About 4 months ago, after a visit to a farm animal sanctuary in Woodstock, NY, I wanted to do my part and stop drinking milk in protest over treatment of dairy cows at commercial dairies. So I started using soymilk in smoothies and breakfast shakes. I noticed some extra gas at first, but that passed! (HaHa - sorry) I digress...
I've been doing a lot of internet research, as many of you know, regarding perimenopause symptoms and their treatment. It seems that it is more the loss of progesterone that makes for the crazy woman I have become: estrogen overload or dominance. Well, add to that physical condition another 16oz of soymilk - which is a phyto-estrogen - and you get a raving lunatic who could literally slit someone's throat and walk away to wash up.
I had stopped drinking soy milk when we went up to see the family before Labor Day (they don't drink it there) so I've been soy-free since Aug 25. The difference I feel physically is nothing short of amazing. I cannot believe that something as healthy as soymilk could have easily turned me into a remorseless serial killer who could cry over the political climate in this country.
So I'm off the soy until I'm actually menopausal, when I'll be needing all the estrogen I can get.
My main partner reminded me of the first yama (or rule) of yoga: ahimsa, which is to do no harm to any living creature. Apparently this includes myself, so I have to stop beating myself up. Strange how I never thought of that.
Onto my epiphany... Perhaps it was the 3 yoga massages I received from 3 partners that opened my sen lines for better blood flow to the brain, but I came to a very sound conclusion on Sunday about my depression and all the other things that have been out of wack with the perimenopause. About 4 months ago, after a visit to a farm animal sanctuary in Woodstock, NY, I wanted to do my part and stop drinking milk in protest over treatment of dairy cows at commercial dairies. So I started using soymilk in smoothies and breakfast shakes. I noticed some extra gas at first, but that passed! (HaHa - sorry) I digress...
I've been doing a lot of internet research, as many of you know, regarding perimenopause symptoms and their treatment. It seems that it is more the loss of progesterone that makes for the crazy woman I have become: estrogen overload or dominance. Well, add to that physical condition another 16oz of soymilk - which is a phyto-estrogen - and you get a raving lunatic who could literally slit someone's throat and walk away to wash up.
I had stopped drinking soy milk when we went up to see the family before Labor Day (they don't drink it there) so I've been soy-free since Aug 25. The difference I feel physically is nothing short of amazing. I cannot believe that something as healthy as soymilk could have easily turned me into a remorseless serial killer who could cry over the political climate in this country.
So I'm off the soy until I'm actually menopausal, when I'll be needing all the estrogen I can get.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008 - outside interests
Hey. I was supposed to take part in a 2-day workshop in Woodstock, NY this weekend, but it was cancelled due to lack of interest! Sadly, that speaks volumes about me; the stuff I'm interested in doing doesn't attract a lot of people! Actually, it was a 16-hour workshop in the application of Thai Yoga Massage and was scheduled to be given by Jyothi Watanabe from the Lotus Palm School in Montreal. I was really looking forward to it, but they cancelled as 10 participants were needed and, after advertising for over 2 months, only 6 signed up. My husband suggested that most people, despite their desire to go, just don't have the extra cash to do something like this. I guess.
Imagine my happy surprise when I found a 3-hour intro to the same Thai Yoga Massage being given in NYC for 1/4 the cost. Very happy! It's even featuring the same instructor.
With any luck, I won't hurt anyone.
Imagine my happy surprise when I found a 3-hour intro to the same Thai Yoga Massage being given in NYC for 1/4 the cost. Very happy! It's even featuring the same instructor.
With any luck, I won't hurt anyone.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008 - I Hate Everthing
I just got totally fucked over: had a great long blog entry done, loaded my photo and there was an issue with compatibility. Douchebag.
Who cares about graying gracefully? I was musing about menopause; my feelings of self-loathing are at an all time high so I'm wallowing in schadenfreude: in German definition - pleasure from the misfortune of others. Let's start with Alaska governor Palin and her loss of control at home. On about election night - 3 months from now - her unwed, high-school attending, pregnant 17-year-old daughter will deliver to the vp-nominee her first (I think) grandchild. Oh how wonderful - she's keeping the baby. Guess there's nothing else to do in alaska for a high school kid except get laid without birth control. Oh but we believe in having our babies, especially if we can prove a right-to-life point.
I personally hope the baby comes before election day so the undecided populus can see that the republicans do not necessarily think the best-laid plans. One can only hope; I want a windmill in my yard so I can deny the power company at least some of my money.
Here's my photo today, courtesy of webcam. Looking extra fat, I can assure you it has something to do with the angle of the webcam and that I am not so close in appearance to Jabba the Hut, although the neck leaves much to be desired.
More self-loathing: I can hear my neighbors next door (at least their parents) waiting for the daughter to arrive with the twin sons she delivered 2 nights ago, but 1 month premature. When this couple was looking to buy the house next door, I was thrilled that a nice young couple was moving in to the neigborhood and there were babies on the way. Now I'm trying to finish this entry before she gets home so I don't have to mingle with another human being. I have nothing but ill-attitude to offer. Waves of depression, nauseating self-loathing, followed by the occasional hot flash (which aren't helped by sitting in the setting sun). My husband adds: "with bouts of vomiting and explosive diarrhea cha-cha-cha".
Wedded bliss.
Who cares about graying gracefully? I was musing about menopause; my feelings of self-loathing are at an all time high so I'm wallowing in schadenfreude: in German definition - pleasure from the misfortune of others. Let's start with Alaska governor Palin and her loss of control at home. On about election night - 3 months from now - her unwed, high-school attending, pregnant 17-year-old daughter will deliver to the vp-nominee her first (I think) grandchild. Oh how wonderful - she's keeping the baby. Guess there's nothing else to do in alaska for a high school kid except get laid without birth control. Oh but we believe in having our babies, especially if we can prove a right-to-life point.
I personally hope the baby comes before election day so the undecided populus can see that the republicans do not necessarily think the best-laid plans. One can only hope; I want a windmill in my yard so I can deny the power company at least some of my money.
Here's my photo today, courtesy of webcam. Looking extra fat, I can assure you it has something to do with the angle of the webcam and that I am not so close in appearance to Jabba the Hut, although the neck leaves much to be desired.
More self-loathing: I can hear my neighbors next door (at least their parents) waiting for the daughter to arrive with the twin sons she delivered 2 nights ago, but 1 month premature. When this couple was looking to buy the house next door, I was thrilled that a nice young couple was moving in to the neigborhood and there were babies on the way. Now I'm trying to finish this entry before she gets home so I don't have to mingle with another human being. I have nothing but ill-attitude to offer. Waves of depression, nauseating self-loathing, followed by the occasional hot flash (which aren't helped by sitting in the setting sun). My husband adds: "with bouts of vomiting and explosive diarrhea cha-cha-cha".
Wedded bliss.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008 - Techno-redemption!
I cannot believe I found my original post - read here although it's kind of a duplicate. Blogspot saved it as a draft for me; how did it know I am an idiot??
I am awash in a sea of bitterness. This is just so fucked up to feel this way; the thought of even living another day is nauseating. I thought this blog would help me (or help someone else) in their decision to go gray, however, my unpredictable emotions are getting in the way of writing anything positive.
As I sit here on my back deck (ain't wireless a wonderful thing?), I can hear my neighbors' parents (both sets) next door preparing for the arrival of the daughter and her twins, just delivered 2 days ago but about a month early. I was so thrilled to meet these people just a few short months ago when they were considering buying the house next door, and I thought it was great that they were a young couple with twin sons on the way. Now, I'm hoping to be done with this entry so I don't have to be out here when they arrive. How sick is this?
My hair is the least of my concerns as I contemplate my sadness, hunger, indecision, hatred, remorse, etc. I am just consumed with negativity; news of the republican VP nominee's troubnles at home is actually making me feel good. The Germans have a word for that: schadenfreude. It's one of my favorites. The definition is: pleasure derived from the misfortune of others. Now obviously the GOP-vp nominee says she's not miserable, but how can a 44-year-old self-proclaimed hockey mom of 5 be happy about the prospect of being a grandmom to her 17-year-old high-school attending-unwed daughter's upcoming delivery in 3 months??? Hey maybe the kid will be born on election day! Maybe it'll remind some undecided voters that republican's maybe don't have all the answers; especially at home. How's that for karma??
I'm sure I'm buying someself some bad-karma-payback for these meanderings.
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