Just realized a great parallel to my story: I'm like Miss Celie in "The Color Purple". The only thing I don't have is the beatings.

I also thought before that my marriage day-to-day can be viewed as though a tiny dog is snapping at your ankles; always nicking the skin, but rarely drawing blood. Those bloodless wounds, however, always stay very sore. At least the bloody ones can be tended.

Nation...I woke up this morning still married and still breathing.

My life is an incredible exercise in futility; Ihave never felt more useless, homely and unhappy.
I never do or say anything even acceptable, never mind correct. I mispronounce words like "route"; the husband tells me it's 'root, like a highway'; I said "route (rowt) like when one football teams rolls over another one". He then summed it all up with, "I guess it depends on who you hang out with. We certainly don't have 1 fucking thing in common."

After I kicked over the dining room chair, I spent the rest of the day wondering if maybe he's not right. We will have been married 25 yearsd in 2011, and I was planning to renew my vows in Scotland. Now I wonder why would I spoil such a potentially wonderful trip?

I must be crazy to spend 1 more day in this god forsaken shithole of a life, where nothing is appreciated and I feel like a leper-troll. This man wants absolutely nothing to do with me, if it doesn't involve berating me at some point.

I'm ready to leave, but again It's a holiday weekend - no attorneys are available tomorrow. I was thinkingn before about how great it would be to just never wake up again. My daughter certainly does not need me; she's always at the boyfriends and when we are together it's like she rushes through any time spent with me. I just cannot stop feeling that my husband hates the sight of me, he won't even touch me in passing never mind for anything else. I am left to my mental imagery and manipulation (usually by showerhead); I've never been so clean in my life.

I hate everything about me. and now I'm too old for anyone to even want.

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in...

My manager has sent me this email: "I’d like to request that you take over the scribing of our meeting minutes as well as setting the agenda and scheduling the meetings as we go forward. Please let me know if you are okay with this request or have any questions/concerns."
Translation: "Oh, you're gonna do it. Whether you enjoy it or not is your own affair."

Nation...I have spent the better part of the last 6 months setting up monthly reports to run systematically with the least amount of hands on from me. Save for a bit of tweaking, like column width changes or font/color adjustments; my reports run themselves. If I could get the opposing systems to email them out, I'd make that part of the process. So that is still me. But during the other 3-weeks of the month, believe me I am bogged! My employees LOVE to rearend other drivers, but they especially love backing into their own vehicles at their homes in their garages or driveways. They run over road debris, dogs, tire dregs and broken guardrails. I AM BUSY. I also set these same drivers up with training as required by the appearance of events on their driving records.

What I want to know is, what happened to the other person in our group who was performing this duty with extremely organized skills? Only response; "This will be a permanent change. "You can be just as organized as Cxxxxxx; I have faith in you." I wanted to write how 'faith is a dangerous thing', but did not. ASked to talk to her about it all today - I have no experience in doing this and I certainly do not want to do it. I barely can stay awake through the conference calls as it is.

Another issue plaguing me currently: I was about to ask for permission to resume going to lunchtime classes at the gym here, and if I'm late coming back - staying after to make it up. Have I addressed the gym issue here yet? I had been going 5 days a week, different class daily, in the best shape of my life, when in April 2008 she couldn't find me to do something ONCE on a Monday and by Wednesday of the same week basically had me written up for extended lunches and told me I couldn't spend more than 45 on a lunch break. "I don't want to infringe on your right to exercise, but I've got to keep the lunch time accurate" or something. I've been hearing from my little gym rats that MY MANAGER has been going to the same gym (usually between 1 and 2 PM after most of the general population has returned to work) for sessions with a Personal Trainer. She's been seen there twice a week for several weeks now. I know it's not her fault that I chose not to continue exercising after work or at home, but the convenience of using a company-sponsored membership ($2) whenever I want; I just really do think of this as an infringement. I don't know what to do about this now.

I'm trying to quit my chocolate coffee drink cold turkey. There is no way I'm going to make it. Today is day 1; I'm plowing through 2 cans per week AND I make it with milk (skim) but still; the drink size is 16oz, which always overfills the cup so there's extra milk, so extra mix, and I'm going through gallons of milk, while my husband and daughter can split their gallon of 1% for more than a week.


I buy organic milk (at like $1.50 more each gallon) but are the cows treated like family when they get milked or is it like a horrible electrosuck factory? I love my chocolate coffee, but when I think of Bossy's brown eyes (and horrible farm images the media insists burning onto my cerebral cortex...) I just don't know what to do about anything anymore.


I have asked the husband to take me to Scotland for the 25th W/A, which is in April 2011. I'd love the SIL and BIL to come, since they got me started on my Outlander series, but it helps that my father's family was from there originally. I've traced tham back as close to the highlands as Falkirk, so I've got to keep digging. At parades, I always run to the bagpipes instead of away from them, so it's gotta be in the blood.

Thursday, August 13 - Neither Menopausal Nor Pregnant

Nation...On Saturday, August 1st (after 2 full months without a menstrual period, but extremely hormonally-despressed and craving sugar), I purchased a home pregnancy test. I'd been certain that as soon as I became glad of having no periods, I'd discover I was pregnant and too far along for a termination ("Go, Palin!") Good news...no further offspring at this point in time; bad news...my period started the very next morning! What are the fucking chances? I hate my body and my life.

On August 4th, the husband had his cataract surgery; August 5th and 12th, his post-op follow-up visits. Surgeon indicated it would take a full month before he saw the complete result; however, on the day after surgery, he was reading license plates from moving cars as they passed us on the highway! He's doing very well with healing per the surgeon, who was pleased at his 1-week post-op progress.

I made note in this blog about 2 weeks ago about the surgeon being out of network, but the office at which she works is IN network. After the visit on 8/12, a staff member gave us a statement regarding the $805 balance. This is after we have paid for the lens implant ($850) and the actual surgery ($1000). It seems that the pre-op appointment from July 15th is being billed by the surgeon, and NOT the office - so no out of network benefits! They want $150 for the actual office visit, plus $700 for various testing that ran about 30 minutes total. Since the husband paid $35 Specialist Co-pay (thinking it was a visit being billed through the office) the balance is $805. I was on the phone with them yesterday, and now waiting for a call back to see if they'll lower their expectations a bit (to maybe what an insurance carrier might pay them! -) Bastards. They always get you.

I'll update this later, as I think my micro-manager will be in the office today.

Back from the Edge

Nation...there is nothing like a family visit to remind you not only how shallow the gene pool is, but also that little amoebas can surprise you with their unpredictable behavior.

By the time the husband and I arrived, I was feeling a lot better. That's always a surprise, because I never know how those feelings will ebb and flow like the tide. The visit with the family was fun; the Atlanta brother-in-law, his wife, and their 2 oldest children were a blast to talk with. Especially the kids; god I miss being young! The oldest is 27 (girl), and she is having a horrible time at work - her job in advertising is just sucking the life from her. She is physically ill with guilt and depression. My heart broke for her. We talked about yoga and some stress relief; she is developing horrible carpal tunnel from never leaving her desk and just the tension in her body. The middle is 25 (boy), and has worked as an investment broker as well as an actuary. I put him to work immediately checking the SIL's 401K (which she had wanted me to move some investments around for her, but I figured why not pick the youthful brain instead, and save my limited cells...) Currently, he is also working in advertising, but working as a sales forecaster for (small world) the rival company of the older sister's client!! He has put an offer in to buy a little Tudor down in Atlanta, while the sister is barely making ends meet. So there's lots of static there. I was seriously counting my blessings.

I finally got to see my middle niece's "new" baby - born last Nov 4th. I did see her at Thanksgiving, but that was 8 months ago! My god, they grow fast...like goslings! She is just the sweetest baby; I cried when I held her. Don't know where that emotional flood came from!

Now, the father in law...I did speak with him at length about the husband's eye. He was under the impression that the problem under consideration was the old trauma injury, but I explained to him that there is nothing they can do with that vision and that it was a very large, dual sided cataract that was causing the current condition. He cried; I cried. I explained the doctor out of network situation; he immediately offered $2,000 to cover the surgery (which I immediately and graciously accepted; although quite honestly that wasn't the reason for my telling him the story. He really surprised me.)

After our trip, I also attended (alone - the husband found someone to let him work for a few days) the fitness conference I've been discussing here. The first class was Friday in Older Adult Fitness. Very interesting and I think I passed the certification exam. The real purpose for my going, however, was the 2-days Yoga Phase I instructor class and certification. Well I woke up Saturday morning at around 4:30 and had an anxiety attack, similar to the one I described on this blog a couple of months ago: room spinning, hyperventilation, nausea. I almost did not attend the class. But off I went; wasn't quite the last to arrive but I was a literal train wreck for most of the morning. The 2 ladies next to me knew each other, and were kind enough to take me in as a third member, so I didn't feel completely left out. I don't know why, but it took a lot of pressure off and made the learning a lot easier. The critical point was having to instruct the entire group in a run through of Sun Salutations, which I did and forgot a section on the 2nd half of my session. Even though lots of us made mistakes, he said we all passed the practical, which was great - that's usually my weak point. I am confident about my performance on the written portion, just need to get my notification in the mail. We'll see how it goes. I'm thinking of maybe doing something on a short term basis, like those night time Adult classes as high schools - it usually lasts like once or twice weekly for 8 or 10 weeks.

I'm so anal, I brought all my own food so I wouldn't have to spend much additional money. The only food I puchased in 5 days was a $4 cup of chowder (like 4 ounces - cheap bastards) and 3 lobster rolls (it took me 3 days to eat the first one I bought - dinner Fri., lunch & dinner Sat., and lunch on Sun.) I took 1 whole one home to the husband and ate 1/3 of the last one for dinner Sun night and brought the rest home to eat there. This single-sandwich feast is mandatory eating up in Massachusetts. I found mine at The Raw Bar on Ocean Street in Hyannis. Order the "original'; it's enough to fully feed at least 2 hungry adults. I had yogurt, fruit and my salad with me, as well as dressing, iced teas, and cereal.

Good to be home; nice to be missed.

Thursday, July 16 - "I may be blind, but I can see you're fucked up..."

Nation...I think it's happening again. I am sick with fear and self-loathing. Everything seems to be just piling up on me, and I can't get out from under.

I had a crazy sugar fit last night after eating 1/3 of a take-out container of penne vodka w/shrimp. I think it may have been the white flour used for the penne. I hadn't even wanted to eat out; I had a beautiful baby greens salad at home with fruit and homemade cranberry-balsamic viniagrette. But the husband is "getting tired of that salad." The guy just consumes mass quantities of whatever is within reach: english muffins (can't even keep them in the house - they disappear) w/butter (breakfast), w/peanut butter & jelly (snack right after breakfast), no lunch, english muffin with cheese (snack right before I get home so he can tell me, "I'm starving, can we eat dinner early maybe?".

I swear it starts the moment I get in the door. I feel so bad for him in his current work situation (there is none), so he just sits on the couch all day and watches TV and eats english muffins, pretzels, chips, etc. He has no friends (only people he works with - when they work) and never talks to anyone all day; so he's full of conversation when I get home. All I want is quiet. The moment he opens his mouth to speak, I'm reaching for salty carbs.

Whatever he has to tell me always seems to do with something I have become responsible for: "did you mail the bills?", "did you call the doctor about the insurance benefits?", "did you fill out that form from the insurance company for the flood insurance?", "did you call the accountant and set up our appointment?", "did you call the doctor and change my appointment?" , "my credit card bill came today; why isn't the payment we made over the internet showing up?", "did you write the amounts you spent at the store in the checkbook? I know you forget all the time and I never know how much money is in there..." and on..and on...and on. I'm at the point where I sort of don't want to go in the house when I get home.

This is really a fucked up situation as well, because now - even though there is no work - if there was work, he wouldn't be able to get assigned. On May 11, all of a sudden a cataract has completely taken the vision in his "good" eye; he had a trauma to the "bad" eye about 20 years ago and hasn't really seen well from it since; nothing can be done. So he continued working with the cataract developing though the end of the last union assignment (Memorial Day). Since then he's been working at our home putting in new bluestone walk and stepping stones from the driveway. He compensates a lot for the loss of vision, but also just from experience does a lot of work by touch.

I haven't been completely neglegent; did get him seen by an opthalmologist, who found him to be borderline glaucoma, so put him on some drops and really got the pressure down. (This is about the time the cataract came on full throttle). She sent him for an MRI (w/regard to the 'pale'optic nerve in the bad trauma eye), which came back with no masses. This led to possibly being a candidate for cataract surgery and picking a surgeon. Coincidentally there is a surgeon in the opthalmologist's office. Great caring doctor, didn't look at us like we were idiots, explained cataracts in simply worded sentences (because we are idiots) discussed the procedure and the special lens she would place in the husband's cataract eye. Everything seemed too good to be true...

She's not in network. He turns to me in and says, "I thought you checked all this already." I was (and still am) devastated. Not so much as she's not in network, but because of his comment. What I heard was, "why did you have me waste my time waiting for and going to these appointments and all the time the doctor is not in network and you could have kept all this from happening if you had just made some phone calls or looked on the internet and gotten some real information..." etc.

I looked through the websites of so many doctors, checked names against my plan. I think I may have assumed the surgeon was in-network because the office she works at "IS" in network, as is the primary opthalmologist also in-network. But as it turns out, even if my benefits would pay for an out-of-network doctor, it would only be at a 50-70%, so we'd still have balance bill. The surgeon's office manager has agreed to charge us the same fee as they charge medicare ($1000) instead of her usual $2500. The special lens costs an additional $850, as it is made to correct astigmatism (so the husband's eyeglass prescription will change dramatically). The surgical center gets an additional $300 (just to have the lens available to you - bastards). This wouuld all be additional cash out even if the doctor was in network; insurance carrier only pays for the straight, plain, no-help-with-your-vision-problems lens.

...but I digress. I was talking about me and my utter black despair. So all I could think must of yesterday (and all of last night) was what a piece of shit I am. All I am is a liability to the family when we have no money to spare. On top of this, I have traded in my Yoga certification tickets from last years conference (that I missed due to a self-esteem crisis) to one happening July 23-26. So again, here I am with no confidence to go (keep thinking 'what the fuck am I thinking? I barely have a home practice') as well as no-money (no fucking bonus this year thanks to my boss and her issues with me that I can't prove innocence of).

I just feel so overwhelmed; we are going to the family compound tomorrow (the husbands brother and wife are coming from Atlanta; haven't seen them since 2004) and coming back Monday. I was really looking forward to going, but now just feel so worthless - I have nothing to offer anyone. Just useless, horribly obese, ugly skin hanging off me, I just want to vomit constantly. I definitely do not want to see anyone.

On July 14th, the husband has made it 19 years without picking up a drink. He has started going to meetings again (not often enough IMHO), but he's going. I was psyching myself up to go to the gym last night, just for 45 minutes, and ending up eating 1/2 package of LU Le Fondant wafers from France and 2 tiny-snack-size HaagenDaaz Coffee and almond bars. On top of the fucking white flour pasta, I felt like there were ants crawling under my skin. I started doing the dishes (because the cabinets were empty and sink was overflowing) to try and be positive, and everything that has been pushed down in my emotional steamer trunk just came out, like it was recovered from the remains of the Titanic. I literally could not stop crying.

So the husband comes home, just as I was finishing the dishes (and the crying). "Why are you crying? What's the matter?" I told him, "I don't know. Everything and nothing..." I forget what else we said next, but I brought up the fact that I have nothing to offer, and it's my fault about the choice of surgeon. "Because of me, we have to pay money we don't have.." He said, "Because of you, I'm getting treatment from the best doctor I could hope to find."

Today is also the pre-op physical for the husband; I'll be driving him.

I just wish the hurting would stop.

Monday, July 6, 2009 - Good Times, Bad Times: Strange Days Indeed

(This entry was started on June 30th)

Nation: so much has been happening lately - we are losing celebrities as though the Plague has made a return to modern earth: Ed McMahon (83), Farrah Fawcett (62 with legendary hair - even with cancer), MICHAEL JACKSON (50!!), and Billy Mays (50 "OxyClean" pitchman). All these people are too rich to die. What is happening here? 4 gone in less than 1 week! Over the weekend (July 4th), triple MVP Steve McNair, former QB of Houston Oilers/Tennessee Titans and then Baltimore Ravens was shot dead - he was 36 years old. Holy crap. Apparently a woman was found shot to death also at the same location.

I have a new iPhone. Just wanted something for easier texting, but through my company I got a phenomenal discount, so I couldn't pass it up. I even got my Tech Dept to circumvent administrative firewalls so I could upgrade to brand new software! (Gotta have a friend in IT.)

So here I am as old as the hills, blind as a bat but I've got cool technology in the palm of my hand.

On a much more somber note, July 1 was the 2 year anniversary of my brother's passing. On that morning while driving to work at 6:45am, I was coming up the hill on Route 17 into Saddle River. There about a quarter mile ahead was the FERGUSON

delivery truck. I cried of course. I could hear Christopher in my

head: "Don't forget about me." Like that could ever happen.

I've been missing Christopher more than usual this past 6 weeks, as my daughter graduated college and I think he would have liked to have been there. I know he would have RULED at her graduation party, which she arranged (we paid) in our backyard - tent, catering, and 3 bands. In between, Band 2 was actually a partially 'unplugged' session with members of #1 and #3 (along with other musically-inclined party guests) playing acoustic (one kid had a mandolin!). No family for us was there at all, which sucked, as they are all so far away and the in-laws (not Grampy) came down from the compound for the graduation ceremony, so they couldn't do both. Here's a pic of the boyfriend singing with Band #1 (that lonely folding chair held the lyrics which nervousness kept Keith from remembering); the acoustic session; and our headliner (which so rocked the neighborhood one of our neighbors from down on the river set up a chair on his deck to listen while his wife and daughter (who is autistic) just danced in their backyard):

I think it's been just about a year for the gray hair experiment. It's certainly a great shade of silver, but it won't grow fast enough. If it's not one thing it's another:

Lots of work stuff (and personal empowerment) going on as well, but that'll have to keep for another day.