Nation...I'm about as sick to my stomach as one can be with the knowledge of an impending shitstorm from which you cannot jump away. I'll probably be getting my review today, as the manager has been away all of last week - giving reviews to my counterpart in Colorado and the safety manager at a Texas facility. I don't know why reviews require a face-to-face in the age of webcasts, webex, and webinars; not to mention rotary dial telephones. She never sees these people anyway; how can she possibly hold them up to any type of measuring bar for job performance?
I ended up writing a separate 2 full pages of documentations over the accusations and treatment I have received from her over the past year (Jan 2008 - current). A dear friend of mine has told me that I am still grieving for my brother, which is of course quite true. I'm sure most of anything I thought, said or have done since July 1 2007 has been under a haze of grief. My boss has lost her father (after a long illness 4 years ago); her mother is still quite alive as is her sister. She was quite close to her father and was very upset when he passed, however, I do not think she can empathize with me over my loss, but when thinking of this, I do not hold it against her. I do not think she has any idea of the way she comes across: she seems to think she manages with her heart first and then her head, but I think by 'heart' she means interpretive feelings. She feels she cannot trust me, yet she has no way of proving any of her suspicions and, conversely, I have no way to prove that I am here on time, and staying later than necessary - if that's what it would take FOR her to trust me. I asked security and IT for reports indicating my building arrival/departure times, computer login/logoff times. Both have indicated that the company does not record this information as it would be too much of a potential Big Brother situation.
I know I have stated in this blog previously about her trust issues with me. I have also stated that it's all I can do to keep from laughing in her face about trust. I know from long, painful experience that there is nothing in this world that can move one person to trust another, once they get a thought in their head. Doesn't matter that the thought, once verbalized, is denied by the so-called guilty party. It also doesn't matter that the thought CAN be proven to be FALSE; the suspicious mind will never bring it to that point. Then they'd have to question themselves, "could I maybe have been wrong?" Individuals with self-esteem issues are always suspicious of the ones closest to them; probably for whatever reason they thinkof themselves as either unlovable or unworthy. And it never, ever matters how much or how often they hear otherwise. They just are incapable of believing it.
Oh well...
Into the valley of death rode the 600 ("The Charge of the Light Brigade")
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death I fear no evil, for thou art with me (funeral rite)
It's the end of the world as we know it; but I feel fine (REM)
This is the end, beautiful friend, the end (The Doors)
"Stay alive! No matter what occurs; I will find you." ("The Last of the Mohicans")
If I survive the battle, I will return to blog again.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Fri., Mar. 6, 2009 - My Cubicle is The Doom Bunker
Nation - life as I have known it is over. It's been almost a month since my last post, however, it seems like yesterday. I didn't mention last time that my boss told me on Fri., Feb 6, that she was placing me on Performance Improvement Plan (because '2008 was a tough year for me, and she hated having to do it because I was doing fantastic work in the past 3 months. Everyone is happy with reports, ins cards, certificates...') when she reviewed my appraisal in the following week (Feb 9-13). The appraisal didn't happen, but I was so thrown by it that I called a contact I have in HR (and NOT the person assigned to me because she cannot be trusted.) I saw my contact at a different location and told her everything that my boss had said. I was concerned because I had been on a PIP in 2005, so I felt that maybe 2 in your folder could be termination grounds...corporate crap, so concerned with having proper paperwork. Anyway, turns out it wouldn't be a problem jobwise, but she said once I got the review on paper to bring it to her and we'd go over it and see what, if anything, was worth fighting. Excellent idea.
Well, today is exactly 4 weeks since my boss told me about the upcoming placement, and I have yet to have my appraisal/review. She's going to CO to give my counterpart hers on Monday, then traveling to TX later in the week to give the Safety Mgr his. How long should a condemned man need to wait for execution? It's basically the same thing. Anyway, she popped a gasket yesterday because I took the initiative to ask a question about a Sales Rep that I discovered was driving in her personal vehicle to do her job (we have a fleet of cars to assign our drivers). I told my boss verbally that a sales rep was driving her own verhicle and she said "she can't do that". The woman I questioned sent my email to some exec who wrote me back a dissertation of stuff, very little of which had to do with my original 1 line question. So I forwarded his paragraph to my boss and simply stated: Following below is an email that I think you should definitely review to respond. She sends me back an email: You never should have asked the question in the first place. There are thresholds in place that the groups determine on when to put a person in a company vehicle as stated below. How do you plan on responding to this or do you expect me to now? I printed the email and I plan to bring the whole scenario up at my appraisal. If there are things going on behind the scenes in the corporate auto program, I feel I should know about them so I know how to respond to something when I hear about it. She wants me to handle the day to day of the auto program, but wants to tie my hands by keeping me like a mushroom.
In addition to printing out that email, I've started going through some older stuff in which she corrects my grammar, tells me to say thank you, and other crap. I've started keeping notes of what transpires on a daily basis so I can add it to my appraisal at the spot where they ask "What Can Your Manager Do to Help You Achieve Your Objectives?" I think I'll need a second sheet.
I'm tired of playing her bitch.
I was just physically sick for the rest of the day; I wanted to call the husband just to cry, but didn't want him to have to hear me when it was so fresh. I called my friend who is the Asst Manager of the vehicle program and talked to her. She said I'm way too analytical (about the program.) I just know that if I had said "great someone is not driving a fleet vehicle" and forgot about it, this person would have an accident, and it would come back to me that I knew she wasn;t in a fleet vehicle and why didn't I mention something to someone. It was just eating at me all afternoon and evening, and then my husband made some comment about how he knows what I'm thinking while I'm doing something and I just lost it. "You do not know what I'm thinking." I don't even remember what else I said; but as he went outside I just got sobbing and choking hysterical. Calmed down shortly thereafter, but after going to bed at 10:00, I was having a fucking hot flash at 230 this morning so got up to pee and was just struck with the dizziness of a full drunken sailor: the room started spinning, my eyes wouldn't focus. I had to reach out and hold the wall just to give my eyes a non-moving object to focus on. Then more crying (scared crying) as I walked my way down the bedromm wall on my hands to the bathroom. The bathroom was spinning, I was hot, I was cold, I was hyperventilating. I went out to the living room to sit - sweating under a little blanket, but freezing if I came out. Then my mouth started watering, the burping started and vomit flowed. Thankfully I made it to the bathroom, barely, but as I stood there vomiting, each body-shaking retch squeezed my bladder and I was soaked from crotch to knees. Same thing happened to me after surgery: puking coming out of anesthesia, and peeing with each hurl. Add major incontinence to my ever-growing list of "life blows" symptoms.
Well, today is exactly 4 weeks since my boss told me about the upcoming placement, and I have yet to have my appraisal/review. She's going to CO to give my counterpart hers on Monday, then traveling to TX later in the week to give the Safety Mgr his. How long should a condemned man need to wait for execution? It's basically the same thing. Anyway, she popped a gasket yesterday because I took the initiative to ask a question about a Sales Rep that I discovered was driving in her personal vehicle to do her job (we have a fleet of cars to assign our drivers). I told my boss verbally that a sales rep was driving her own verhicle and she said "she can't do that". The woman I questioned sent my email to some exec who wrote me back a dissertation of stuff, very little of which had to do with my original 1 line question. So I forwarded his paragraph to my boss and simply stated: Following below is an email that I think you should definitely review to respond. She sends me back an email: You never should have asked the question in the first place. There are thresholds in place that the groups determine on when to put a person in a company vehicle as stated below. How do you plan on responding to this or do you expect me to now? I printed the email and I plan to bring the whole scenario up at my appraisal. If there are things going on behind the scenes in the corporate auto program, I feel I should know about them so I know how to respond to something when I hear about it. She wants me to handle the day to day of the auto program, but wants to tie my hands by keeping me like a mushroom.
In addition to printing out that email, I've started going through some older stuff in which she corrects my grammar, tells me to say thank you, and other crap. I've started keeping notes of what transpires on a daily basis so I can add it to my appraisal at the spot where they ask "What Can Your Manager Do to Help You Achieve Your Objectives?" I think I'll need a second sheet.
I'm tired of playing her bitch.
I was just physically sick for the rest of the day; I wanted to call the husband just to cry, but didn't want him to have to hear me when it was so fresh. I called my friend who is the Asst Manager of the vehicle program and talked to her. She said I'm way too analytical (about the program.) I just know that if I had said "great someone is not driving a fleet vehicle" and forgot about it, this person would have an accident, and it would come back to me that I knew she wasn;t in a fleet vehicle and why didn't I mention something to someone. It was just eating at me all afternoon and evening, and then my husband made some comment about how he knows what I'm thinking while I'm doing something and I just lost it. "You do not know what I'm thinking." I don't even remember what else I said; but as he went outside I just got sobbing and choking hysterical. Calmed down shortly thereafter, but after going to bed at 10:00, I was having a fucking hot flash at 230 this morning so got up to pee and was just struck with the dizziness of a full drunken sailor: the room started spinning, my eyes wouldn't focus. I had to reach out and hold the wall just to give my eyes a non-moving object to focus on. Then more crying (scared crying) as I walked my way down the bedromm wall on my hands to the bathroom. The bathroom was spinning, I was hot, I was cold, I was hyperventilating. I went out to the living room to sit - sweating under a little blanket, but freezing if I came out. Then my mouth started watering, the burping started and vomit flowed. Thankfully I made it to the bathroom, barely, but as I stood there vomiting, each body-shaking retch squeezed my bladder and I was soaked from crotch to knees. Same thing happened to me after surgery: puking coming out of anesthesia, and peeing with each hurl. Add major incontinence to my ever-growing list of "life blows" symptoms.
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