Back from the Edge

Nation...there is nothing like a family visit to remind you not only how shallow the gene pool is, but also that little amoebas can surprise you with their unpredictable behavior.

By the time the husband and I arrived, I was feeling a lot better. That's always a surprise, because I never know how those feelings will ebb and flow like the tide. The visit with the family was fun; the Atlanta brother-in-law, his wife, and their 2 oldest children were a blast to talk with. Especially the kids; god I miss being young! The oldest is 27 (girl), and she is having a horrible time at work - her job in advertising is just sucking the life from her. She is physically ill with guilt and depression. My heart broke for her. We talked about yoga and some stress relief; she is developing horrible carpal tunnel from never leaving her desk and just the tension in her body. The middle is 25 (boy), and has worked as an investment broker as well as an actuary. I put him to work immediately checking the SIL's 401K (which she had wanted me to move some investments around for her, but I figured why not pick the youthful brain instead, and save my limited cells...) Currently, he is also working in advertising, but working as a sales forecaster for (small world) the rival company of the older sister's client!! He has put an offer in to buy a little Tudor down in Atlanta, while the sister is barely making ends meet. So there's lots of static there. I was seriously counting my blessings.

I finally got to see my middle niece's "new" baby - born last Nov 4th. I did see her at Thanksgiving, but that was 8 months ago! My god, they grow fast...like goslings! She is just the sweetest baby; I cried when I held her. Don't know where that emotional flood came from!

Now, the father in law...I did speak with him at length about the husband's eye. He was under the impression that the problem under consideration was the old trauma injury, but I explained to him that there is nothing they can do with that vision and that it was a very large, dual sided cataract that was causing the current condition. He cried; I cried. I explained the doctor out of network situation; he immediately offered $2,000 to cover the surgery (which I immediately and graciously accepted; although quite honestly that wasn't the reason for my telling him the story. He really surprised me.)

After our trip, I also attended (alone - the husband found someone to let him work for a few days) the fitness conference I've been discussing here. The first class was Friday in Older Adult Fitness. Very interesting and I think I passed the certification exam. The real purpose for my going, however, was the 2-days Yoga Phase I instructor class and certification. Well I woke up Saturday morning at around 4:30 and had an anxiety attack, similar to the one I described on this blog a couple of months ago: room spinning, hyperventilation, nausea. I almost did not attend the class. But off I went; wasn't quite the last to arrive but I was a literal train wreck for most of the morning. The 2 ladies next to me knew each other, and were kind enough to take me in as a third member, so I didn't feel completely left out. I don't know why, but it took a lot of pressure off and made the learning a lot easier. The critical point was having to instruct the entire group in a run through of Sun Salutations, which I did and forgot a section on the 2nd half of my session. Even though lots of us made mistakes, he said we all passed the practical, which was great - that's usually my weak point. I am confident about my performance on the written portion, just need to get my notification in the mail. We'll see how it goes. I'm thinking of maybe doing something on a short term basis, like those night time Adult classes as high schools - it usually lasts like once or twice weekly for 8 or 10 weeks.

I'm so anal, I brought all my own food so I wouldn't have to spend much additional money. The only food I puchased in 5 days was a $4 cup of chowder (like 4 ounces - cheap bastards) and 3 lobster rolls (it took me 3 days to eat the first one I bought - dinner Fri., lunch & dinner Sat., and lunch on Sun.) I took 1 whole one home to the husband and ate 1/3 of the last one for dinner Sun night and brought the rest home to eat there. This single-sandwich feast is mandatory eating up in Massachusetts. I found mine at The Raw Bar on Ocean Street in Hyannis. Order the "original'; it's enough to fully feed at least 2 hungry adults. I had yogurt, fruit and my salad with me, as well as dressing, iced teas, and cereal.

Good to be home; nice to be missed.

Thursday, July 16 - "I may be blind, but I can see you're fucked up..."

Nation...I think it's happening again. I am sick with fear and self-loathing. Everything seems to be just piling up on me, and I can't get out from under.

I had a crazy sugar fit last night after eating 1/3 of a take-out container of penne vodka w/shrimp. I think it may have been the white flour used for the penne. I hadn't even wanted to eat out; I had a beautiful baby greens salad at home with fruit and homemade cranberry-balsamic viniagrette. But the husband is "getting tired of that salad." The guy just consumes mass quantities of whatever is within reach: english muffins (can't even keep them in the house - they disappear) w/butter (breakfast), w/peanut butter & jelly (snack right after breakfast), no lunch, english muffin with cheese (snack right before I get home so he can tell me, "I'm starving, can we eat dinner early maybe?".

I swear it starts the moment I get in the door. I feel so bad for him in his current work situation (there is none), so he just sits on the couch all day and watches TV and eats english muffins, pretzels, chips, etc. He has no friends (only people he works with - when they work) and never talks to anyone all day; so he's full of conversation when I get home. All I want is quiet. The moment he opens his mouth to speak, I'm reaching for salty carbs.

Whatever he has to tell me always seems to do with something I have become responsible for: "did you mail the bills?", "did you call the doctor about the insurance benefits?", "did you fill out that form from the insurance company for the flood insurance?", "did you call the accountant and set up our appointment?", "did you call the doctor and change my appointment?" , "my credit card bill came today; why isn't the payment we made over the internet showing up?", "did you write the amounts you spent at the store in the checkbook? I know you forget all the time and I never know how much money is in there..." and on..and on...and on. I'm at the point where I sort of don't want to go in the house when I get home.

This is really a fucked up situation as well, because now - even though there is no work - if there was work, he wouldn't be able to get assigned. On May 11, all of a sudden a cataract has completely taken the vision in his "good" eye; he had a trauma to the "bad" eye about 20 years ago and hasn't really seen well from it since; nothing can be done. So he continued working with the cataract developing though the end of the last union assignment (Memorial Day). Since then he's been working at our home putting in new bluestone walk and stepping stones from the driveway. He compensates a lot for the loss of vision, but also just from experience does a lot of work by touch.

I haven't been completely neglegent; did get him seen by an opthalmologist, who found him to be borderline glaucoma, so put him on some drops and really got the pressure down. (This is about the time the cataract came on full throttle). She sent him for an MRI (w/regard to the 'pale'optic nerve in the bad trauma eye), which came back with no masses. This led to possibly being a candidate for cataract surgery and picking a surgeon. Coincidentally there is a surgeon in the opthalmologist's office. Great caring doctor, didn't look at us like we were idiots, explained cataracts in simply worded sentences (because we are idiots) discussed the procedure and the special lens she would place in the husband's cataract eye. Everything seemed too good to be true...

She's not in network. He turns to me in and says, "I thought you checked all this already." I was (and still am) devastated. Not so much as she's not in network, but because of his comment. What I heard was, "why did you have me waste my time waiting for and going to these appointments and all the time the doctor is not in network and you could have kept all this from happening if you had just made some phone calls or looked on the internet and gotten some real information..." etc.

I looked through the websites of so many doctors, checked names against my plan. I think I may have assumed the surgeon was in-network because the office she works at "IS" in network, as is the primary opthalmologist also in-network. But as it turns out, even if my benefits would pay for an out-of-network doctor, it would only be at a 50-70%, so we'd still have balance bill. The surgeon's office manager has agreed to charge us the same fee as they charge medicare ($1000) instead of her usual $2500. The special lens costs an additional $850, as it is made to correct astigmatism (so the husband's eyeglass prescription will change dramatically). The surgical center gets an additional $300 (just to have the lens available to you - bastards). This wouuld all be additional cash out even if the doctor was in network; insurance carrier only pays for the straight, plain, no-help-with-your-vision-problems lens.

...but I digress. I was talking about me and my utter black despair. So all I could think must of yesterday (and all of last night) was what a piece of shit I am. All I am is a liability to the family when we have no money to spare. On top of this, I have traded in my Yoga certification tickets from last years conference (that I missed due to a self-esteem crisis) to one happening July 23-26. So again, here I am with no confidence to go (keep thinking 'what the fuck am I thinking? I barely have a home practice') as well as no-money (no fucking bonus this year thanks to my boss and her issues with me that I can't prove innocence of).

I just feel so overwhelmed; we are going to the family compound tomorrow (the husbands brother and wife are coming from Atlanta; haven't seen them since 2004) and coming back Monday. I was really looking forward to going, but now just feel so worthless - I have nothing to offer anyone. Just useless, horribly obese, ugly skin hanging off me, I just want to vomit constantly. I definitely do not want to see anyone.

On July 14th, the husband has made it 19 years without picking up a drink. He has started going to meetings again (not often enough IMHO), but he's going. I was psyching myself up to go to the gym last night, just for 45 minutes, and ending up eating 1/2 package of LU Le Fondant wafers from France and 2 tiny-snack-size HaagenDaaz Coffee and almond bars. On top of the fucking white flour pasta, I felt like there were ants crawling under my skin. I started doing the dishes (because the cabinets were empty and sink was overflowing) to try and be positive, and everything that has been pushed down in my emotional steamer trunk just came out, like it was recovered from the remains of the Titanic. I literally could not stop crying.

So the husband comes home, just as I was finishing the dishes (and the crying). "Why are you crying? What's the matter?" I told him, "I don't know. Everything and nothing..." I forget what else we said next, but I brought up the fact that I have nothing to offer, and it's my fault about the choice of surgeon. "Because of me, we have to pay money we don't have.." He said, "Because of you, I'm getting treatment from the best doctor I could hope to find."

Today is also the pre-op physical for the husband; I'll be driving him.

I just wish the hurting would stop.