Ladies of O-Nation...who says you just can't find good help with the laundry? Check it:
I think this has been photoshopped - not that this guy isn't the hottest thing sincce the great Chicago fire, but the facial skin don't match the bod skin.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
What a Difference a Day Makes....24 Little Hours
(Bonus Points if you can name the artist/group who sang the title song)
Nation...I have known for quite some time that every life touches so many other lives, mostly in ways we can never see. I raised my daughter with that knowledge, always trying to have her see that everyone has something positive to offer - sometimes you gotta dig a bit.
When I read the posts I have previously made, I cannot believe they were written by me. I feel like a surfer, riding the waves in an ocean of raging hormones. Cowabunga, dude!
More often than not, I cry while reading...how can this porr person even go another day? Then I realize "omg...it's me." Then I cry harder.
Yesterday was an exceptionally bad day when I started blogging. I had some heavy concentration on how the husband paid me very little attention at all, save to berate me. I have a feeling he is probably on the borderline of a depressive crisis. I hadn't really taken the time to consider that possibility, instead focusing on me and my overflowing pity-pot.
He received a phone call yesterday morning from a friend of his; the friend's wife had a cousin who was indicating they wanted to stop drinking but couldn't, or was scared, whatever (I didn't ask many questions as this is not a matter for family discussion). The husband made some calls and started what became a sort of telephonic intervention, which in the end was for naught as the woman felt better after several hours (of people paying attention to her; it seems to strengthen the fortitude of an alcoholic, to know they haven't totally screwed up yet) and wasn't quite ready to stop drinking.
All in all, just a few hours wasted in the attempt at helping another human being. The husband takes these interventions (as well as complete sobriety) extremely seriously; it's life or death for him. But it gave him a purpose for the better part of the morning. I made sure to let him do what he needed to do, and busied myself with laundry.
After his first set of calls were made and lots of reading was done. he came into the bedroom where I was folding and gently came up behind me. He made it clear, quite quickly, what was currently on his mind. I stretched to fold the towel out before me and he reached around, supporting both my breasts in his hands. "God, they're so heavy. They feel fantastic."
I can't even remember how long it's been since he even said that to me. He sat down on the edge of the bed, pulled me in between his legs, and rubbed his thumbs over my nipples through my very thin shirt. My nipples have no conscience and were ready to make their demands known. He slowly lifted my shirt and again held my breasts in his hands, eyeing them appreciately. "They're so lovely" (yes he said lovely - I couldn't believe my ears) "god, they're perfect." And then began a too-short demonstration of the oral worship of heavy, perfect breasts. It was like a hit-and-run; then he was gone. I was left wet & giddy.
After dinner - hours later - we were watching tv. I was laying on the cat, using her as a pillow, he was sitting near my feet. He leaned over and started rubbing my back and neck, then reaching around...god it was wonderful! I sat up wanting to continue the oral worship of earlier in the day, but instead was manually convinced to go back into the bedroom for a proper servicing.
I don't know if there is a moral to this story or not. But I felt alot better after a bit of positive attention, which I'm sure became available because someone needed positive attention from the husband. Maybe like "paying it forward". I'm not even sure, I'm still on cloud 9.
Gay hormones.
Nation...I have known for quite some time that every life touches so many other lives, mostly in ways we can never see. I raised my daughter with that knowledge, always trying to have her see that everyone has something positive to offer - sometimes you gotta dig a bit.
When I read the posts I have previously made, I cannot believe they were written by me. I feel like a surfer, riding the waves in an ocean of raging hormones. Cowabunga, dude!
More often than not, I cry while reading...how can this porr person even go another day? Then I realize "omg...it's me." Then I cry harder.
Yesterday was an exceptionally bad day when I started blogging. I had some heavy concentration on how the husband paid me very little attention at all, save to berate me. I have a feeling he is probably on the borderline of a depressive crisis. I hadn't really taken the time to consider that possibility, instead focusing on me and my overflowing pity-pot.He received a phone call yesterday morning from a friend of his; the friend's wife had a cousin who was indicating they wanted to stop drinking but couldn't, or was scared, whatever (I didn't ask many questions as this is not a matter for family discussion). The husband made some calls and started what became a sort of telephonic intervention, which in the end was for naught as the woman felt better after several hours (of people paying attention to her; it seems to strengthen the fortitude of an alcoholic, to know they haven't totally screwed up yet) and wasn't quite ready to stop drinking.
All in all, just a few hours wasted in the attempt at helping another human being. The husband takes these interventions (as well as complete sobriety) extremely seriously; it's life or death for him. But it gave him a purpose for the better part of the morning. I made sure to let him do what he needed to do, and busied myself with laundry.
After his first set of calls were made and lots of reading was done. he came into the bedroom where I was folding and gently came up behind me. He made it clear, quite quickly, what was currently on his mind. I stretched to fold the towel out before me and he reached around, supporting both my breasts in his hands. "God, they're so heavy. They feel fantastic."
I can't even remember how long it's been since he even said that to me. He sat down on the edge of the bed, pulled me in between his legs, and rubbed his thumbs over my nipples through my very thin shirt. My nipples have no conscience and were ready to make their demands known. He slowly lifted my shirt and again held my breasts in his hands, eyeing them appreciately. "They're so lovely" (yes he said lovely - I couldn't believe my ears) "god, they're perfect." And then began a too-short demonstration of the oral worship of heavy, perfect breasts. It was like a hit-and-run; then he was gone. I was left wet & giddy.
After dinner - hours later - we were watching tv. I was laying on the cat, using her as a pillow, he was sitting near my feet. He leaned over and started rubbing my back and neck, then reaching around...god it was wonderful! I sat up wanting to continue the oral worship of earlier in the day, but instead was manually convinced to go back into the bedroom for a proper servicing.
I don't know if there is a moral to this story or not. But I felt alot better after a bit of positive attention, which I'm sure became available because someone needed positive attention from the husband. Maybe like "paying it forward". I'm not even sure, I'm still on cloud 9.
Gay hormones.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Depression Test results = from Discovery Health
The Depression Test - Abridged
Depression is one of the most prevalent and serious mental illnesses in the world today; approximately one in four women and one in eight men experience at least one bout of clinical depression in their lifetime. Almost every one of us has, at one point or another, experienced a "blue mood" as a result of a disruptive life event (like ending a relationship) or day-to-day stress. However, true depression is a pervasive feeling of sadness that impairs our general functioning and lasts for more than two weeks. While we often throw around the word "depressed" to describe any fleeting moment of unhappiness, depression is actually a biological illness that doesn't simply disappear overnight.
As researchers and doctors work to better understand the biological roots of depression, treatment options improve and become more available. With proper treatment, in fact, the feelings of despair, hopelessness, and helplessness can be alleviated so sufferers can go on to live rich and fulfilling lives. Unfortunately, the diagnosis of depression is often delayed, as well-meaning friends and family tell the depressed individual to "just snap out of it". Many people still carry the misperception that depression is a character flaw, a problem that happens because the individual is weak. Because of this stigma, people suffering from depression often hesitate to seek medical treatment.
The first step towards breaking free of depression is diagnosing the problem. The Depression Test is a good start, but if you show any signs of depression you should not hesitate to seek professional advice.
Results of the Depression Test
Depression Index
Your score = 84
What does your score mean?
It's common for people to feel a sense of hopelessness for a time when undergoing certain traumatic but rather common life events, such as significant personal or economic losses. However, this feeling seems to be fairly persistent in your case and a serious condition may be developing. Your feelings most likely interfere with your job performance and/or limit your social activities putting a damper on experiences that have great potential. It is important that you take active steps to decrease the frequency and intensity of these emotions so that they don't dictate the way you carry out your life.
Look over the list of symptoms provided below. If your symptoms are connected with a negative incident in your life, then you might overcome them naturally if you give it some time. However, if there has been no such incident, there may be cause for alarm. Depression is treatable and the success rate is very high. You may feel now that every day is a struggle, but it can get better. After some time, with proper treatment, facing another day will become easier and gradually, you will find joy again. Talk to a physician.
Some of the more common symptoms of depression are:
Changes in sleep habits such as insomnia, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much.
Changes in eating habits such as loss of appetite or weight gain.
Decreased energy, feeling of fatigue.
Restlessness and irritability.
Difficulty in concentration, remembering, and making decisions.
Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, guilt or worthlessness.
Persistent sad, anxious, or empty feelings.
Loss of interest in pleasurable activities, such as involvement with loved ones or hobbies.
Thoughts of death or suicide. To fulfill the diagnostic criteria for major depressive episode (in other words to receive an official diagnosis of depression), five (or more) of these symptoms have to be present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning. At least one of the symptoms must be either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure (DSM-IV, 1996).
Depression is one of the most prevalent and serious mental illnesses in the world today; approximately one in four women and one in eight men experience at least one bout of clinical depression in their lifetime. Almost every one of us has, at one point or another, experienced a "blue mood" as a result of a disruptive life event (like ending a relationship) or day-to-day stress. However, true depression is a pervasive feeling of sadness that impairs our general functioning and lasts for more than two weeks. While we often throw around the word "depressed" to describe any fleeting moment of unhappiness, depression is actually a biological illness that doesn't simply disappear overnight.
As researchers and doctors work to better understand the biological roots of depression, treatment options improve and become more available. With proper treatment, in fact, the feelings of despair, hopelessness, and helplessness can be alleviated so sufferers can go on to live rich and fulfilling lives. Unfortunately, the diagnosis of depression is often delayed, as well-meaning friends and family tell the depressed individual to "just snap out of it". Many people still carry the misperception that depression is a character flaw, a problem that happens because the individual is weak. Because of this stigma, people suffering from depression often hesitate to seek medical treatment.
The first step towards breaking free of depression is diagnosing the problem. The Depression Test is a good start, but if you show any signs of depression you should not hesitate to seek professional advice.
Results of the Depression Test
Depression Index
Your score = 84
What does your score mean?
It's common for people to feel a sense of hopelessness for a time when undergoing certain traumatic but rather common life events, such as significant personal or economic losses. However, this feeling seems to be fairly persistent in your case and a serious condition may be developing. Your feelings most likely interfere with your job performance and/or limit your social activities putting a damper on experiences that have great potential. It is important that you take active steps to decrease the frequency and intensity of these emotions so that they don't dictate the way you carry out your life.
Look over the list of symptoms provided below. If your symptoms are connected with a negative incident in your life, then you might overcome them naturally if you give it some time. However, if there has been no such incident, there may be cause for alarm. Depression is treatable and the success rate is very high. You may feel now that every day is a struggle, but it can get better. After some time, with proper treatment, facing another day will become easier and gradually, you will find joy again. Talk to a physician.
Some of the more common symptoms of depression are:
Changes in sleep habits such as insomnia, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much.
Changes in eating habits such as loss of appetite or weight gain.
Decreased energy, feeling of fatigue.
Restlessness and irritability.
Difficulty in concentration, remembering, and making decisions.
Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, guilt or worthlessness.
Persistent sad, anxious, or empty feelings.
Loss of interest in pleasurable activities, such as involvement with loved ones or hobbies.
Thoughts of death or suicide. To fulfill the diagnostic criteria for major depressive episode (in other words to receive an official diagnosis of depression), five (or more) of these symptoms have to be present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning. At least one of the symptoms must be either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure (DSM-IV, 1996).
Stranger in a Strange Land (9.07.09)
Nation...where do I belong? I'm alone in a crowded room, my husbnad wants nothing to do with me - unless he can be telling me how much his life sucks because he doesn't have a license.
Even writing those words I can feel my throat tightening and the tears coming. How many times can you listen to someone say the same thing over and over, and with the same amount of resentment? Am I supposed to pretend that this is news to me? I can't fake interest anymore. We've done all we can; short of a pardon from the governor, I cannot think of anything.
I always drive when we go anywhere, which generally I do not mind. But for god's sake don't resent me because you can't drive. Don't refuse appointments because you can't drive yourself there. Why am I always at the receiving end of the blast?
I feel as fragile as a snowflake, and just one more screaming match will just melt me away. Thoughts of death are always near - but never by my own hand oddly enough. I just want to BE dead; that's not suicidal right? I briefly pictured myself in a hospital, but they won't leave me alone there to just be; they'd want me in some structured day room playing with blocks.
I never feel welcome in my own home; all I do is cry for everything that I am not. I'm totally ungrateful and wish I was anywhere but here.
I want to just disappear, thereby not leaving a mess for anyone to have to clean up. Just want to have never been born. Nothing to offer to anyone, even though I try sometimes. I want to vomit every time I see myself in a mirror. My fucking life is a joke.
Even writing those words I can feel my throat tightening and the tears coming. How many times can you listen to someone say the same thing over and over, and with the same amount of resentment? Am I supposed to pretend that this is news to me? I can't fake interest anymore. We've done all we can; short of a pardon from the governor, I cannot think of anything.
I always drive when we go anywhere, which generally I do not mind. But for god's sake don't resent me because you can't drive. Don't refuse appointments because you can't drive yourself there. Why am I always at the receiving end of the blast?
I feel as fragile as a snowflake, and just one more screaming match will just melt me away. Thoughts of death are always near - but never by my own hand oddly enough. I just want to BE dead; that's not suicidal right? I briefly pictured myself in a hospital, but they won't leave me alone there to just be; they'd want me in some structured day room playing with blocks.
I never feel welcome in my own home; all I do is cry for everything that I am not. I'm totally ungrateful and wish I was anywhere but here.
I want to just disappear, thereby not leaving a mess for anyone to have to clean up. Just want to have never been born. Nothing to offer to anyone, even though I try sometimes. I want to vomit every time I see myself in a mirror. My fucking life is a joke.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Just realized a great parallel to my story: I'm like Miss Celie in "The Color Purple". The only thing I don't have is the beatings.
I also thought before that my marriage day-to-day can be viewed as though a tiny dog is snapping at your ankles; always nicking the skin, but rarely drawing blood. Those bloodless wounds, however, always stay very sore. At least the bloody ones can be tended.
I also thought before that my marriage day-to-day can be viewed as though a tiny dog is snapping at your ankles; always nicking the skin, but rarely drawing blood. Those bloodless wounds, however, always stay very sore. At least the bloody ones can be tended.
Nation...I woke up this morning still married and still breathing.
My life is an incredible exercise in futility; Ihave never felt more useless, homely and unhappy.
I never do or say anything even acceptable, never mind correct. I mispronounce words like "route"; the husband tells me it's 'root, like a highway'; I said "route (rowt) like when one football teams rolls over another one". He then summed it all up with, "I guess it depends on who you hang out with. We certainly don't have 1 fucking thing in common."
After I kicked over the dining room chair, I spent the rest of the day wondering if maybe he's not right. We will have been married 25 yearsd in 2011, and I was planning to renew my vows in Scotland. Now I wonder why would I spoil such a potentially wonderful trip?
I must be crazy to spend 1 more day in this god forsaken shithole of a life, where nothing is appreciated and I feel like a leper-troll. This man wants absolutely nothing to do with me, if it doesn't involve berating me at some point.
I'm ready to leave, but again It's a holiday weekend - no attorneys are available tomorrow. I was thinkingn before about how great it would be to just never wake up again. My daughter certainly does not need me; she's always at the boyfriends and when we are together it's like she rushes through any time spent with me. I just cannot stop feeling that my husband hates the sight of me, he won't even touch me in passing never mind for anything else. I am left to my mental imagery and manipulation (usually by showerhead); I've never been so clean in my life.
I hate everything about me. and now I'm too old for anyone to even want.
My life is an incredible exercise in futility; Ihave never felt more useless, homely and unhappy.
I never do or say anything even acceptable, never mind correct. I mispronounce words like "route"; the husband tells me it's 'root, like a highway'; I said "route (rowt) like when one football teams rolls over another one". He then summed it all up with, "I guess it depends on who you hang out with. We certainly don't have 1 fucking thing in common."
After I kicked over the dining room chair, I spent the rest of the day wondering if maybe he's not right. We will have been married 25 yearsd in 2011, and I was planning to renew my vows in Scotland. Now I wonder why would I spoil such a potentially wonderful trip?
I must be crazy to spend 1 more day in this god forsaken shithole of a life, where nothing is appreciated and I feel like a leper-troll. This man wants absolutely nothing to do with me, if it doesn't involve berating me at some point.
I'm ready to leave, but again It's a holiday weekend - no attorneys are available tomorrow. I was thinkingn before about how great it would be to just never wake up again. My daughter certainly does not need me; she's always at the boyfriends and when we are together it's like she rushes through any time spent with me. I just cannot stop feeling that my husband hates the sight of me, he won't even touch me in passing never mind for anything else. I am left to my mental imagery and manipulation (usually by showerhead); I've never been so clean in my life.
I hate everything about me. and now I'm too old for anyone to even want.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in...
My manager has sent me this email: "I’d like to request that you take over the scribing of our meeting minutes as well as setting the agenda and scheduling the meetings as we go forward. Please let me know if you are okay with this request or have any questions/concerns."
Translation: "Oh, you're gonna do it. Whether you enjoy it or not is your own affair."
Nation...I have spent the better part of the last 6 months setting up monthly reports to run systematically with the least amount of hands on from me. Save for a bit of tweaking, like column width changes or font/color adjustments; my reports run themselves. If I could get the opposing systems to email them out, I'd make that part of the process. So that is still me. But during the other 3-weeks of the month, believe me I am bogged! My employees LOVE to rearend other drivers, but they especially love backing into their own vehicles at their homes in their garages or driveways. They run over road debris, dogs, tire dregs and broken guardrails. I AM BUSY. I also set these same drivers up with training as required by the appearance of events on their driving records.
What I want to know is, what happened to the other person in our group who was performing this duty with extremely organized skills? Only response; "This will be a permanent change. "You can be just as organized as Cxxxxxx; I have faith in you." I wanted to write how 'faith is a dangerous thing', but did not. ASked to talk to her about it all today - I have no experience in doing this and I certainly do not want to do it. I barely can stay awake through the conference calls as it is.
Another issue plaguing me currently: I was about to ask for permission to resume going to lunchtime classes at the gym here, and if I'm late coming back - staying after to make it up. Have I addressed the gym issue here yet? I had been going 5 days a week, different class daily, in the best shape of my life, when in April 2008 she couldn't find me to do something ONCE on a Monday and by Wednesday of the same week basically had me written up for extended lunches and told me I couldn't spend more than 45 on a lunch break. "I don't want to infringe on your right to exercise, but I've got to keep the lunch time accurate" or something. I've been hearing from my little gym rats that MY MANAGER has been going to the same gym (usually between 1 and 2 PM after most of the general population has returned to work) for sessions with a Personal Trainer. She's been seen there twice a week for several weeks now. I know it's not her fault that I chose not to continue exercising after work or at home, but the convenience of using a company-sponsored membership ($2) whenever I want; I just really do think of this as an infringement. I don't know what to do about this now.
I'm trying to quit my chocolate coffee drink cold turkey. There is no way I'm going to make it. Today is day 1; I'm plowing through 2 cans per week AND I make it with milk (skim) but still; the drink size is 16oz, which always overfills the cup so there's extra milk, so extra mix, and I'm going through gallons of milk, while my husband and daughter can split their gallon of 1% for more than a week.
I buy organic milk (at like $1.50 more each gallon) but are the cows treated like family when they get milked or is it like a horrible electrosuck factory? I love my chocolate coffee, but when I think of Bossy's brown eyes (and horrible farm images the media insists burning onto my cerebral cortex...) I just don't know what to do about anything anymore.
I have asked the husband to take me to Scotland for the 25th W/A, which is in April 2011. I'd love the SIL and BIL to come, since they got me started on my Outlander series, but it helps that my father's family was from there originally. I've traced tham back as close to the highlands as Falkirk, so I've got to keep digging. At parades, I always run to the bagpipes instead of away from them, so it's gotta be in the blood.
Translation: "Oh, you're gonna do it. Whether you enjoy it or not is your own affair."
Nation...I have spent the better part of the last 6 months setting up monthly reports to run systematically with the least amount of hands on from me. Save for a bit of tweaking, like column width changes or font/color adjustments; my reports run themselves. If I could get the opposing systems to email them out, I'd make that part of the process. So that is still me. But during the other 3-weeks of the month, believe me I am bogged! My employees LOVE to rearend other drivers, but they especially love backing into their own vehicles at their homes in their garages or driveways. They run over road debris, dogs, tire dregs and broken guardrails. I AM BUSY. I also set these same drivers up with training as required by the appearance of events on their driving records.
What I want to know is, what happened to the other person in our group who was performing this duty with extremely organized skills? Only response; "This will be a permanent change. "You can be just as organized as Cxxxxxx; I have faith in you." I wanted to write how 'faith is a dangerous thing', but did not. ASked to talk to her about it all today - I have no experience in doing this and I certainly do not want to do it. I barely can stay awake through the conference calls as it is.
Another issue plaguing me currently: I was about to ask for permission to resume going to lunchtime classes at the gym here, and if I'm late coming back - staying after to make it up. Have I addressed the gym issue here yet? I had been going 5 days a week, different class daily, in the best shape of my life, when in April 2008 she couldn't find me to do something ONCE on a Monday and by Wednesday of the same week basically had me written up for extended lunches and told me I couldn't spend more than 45 on a lunch break. "I don't want to infringe on your right to exercise, but I've got to keep the lunch time accurate" or something. I've been hearing from my little gym rats that MY MANAGER has been going to the same gym (usually between 1 and 2 PM after most of the general population has returned to work) for sessions with a Personal Trainer. She's been seen there twice a week for several weeks now. I know it's not her fault that I chose not to continue exercising after work or at home, but the convenience of using a company-sponsored membership ($2) whenever I want; I just really do think of this as an infringement. I don't know what to do about this now.
I'm trying to quit my chocolate coffee drink cold turkey. There is no way I'm going to make it. Today is day 1; I'm plowing through 2 cans per week AND I make it with milk (skim) but still; the drink size is 16oz, which always overfills the cup so there's extra milk, so extra mix, and I'm going through gallons of milk, while my husband and daughter can split their gallon of 1% for more than a week.I buy organic milk (at like $1.50 more each gallon) but are the cows treated like family when they get milked or is it like a horrible electrosuck factory? I love my chocolate coffee, but when I think of Bossy's brown eyes (and horrible farm images the media insists burning onto my cerebral cortex...) I just don't know what to do about anything anymore.
I have asked the husband to take me to Scotland for the 25th W/A, which is in April 2011. I'd love the SIL and BIL to come, since they got me started on my Outlander series, but it helps that my father's family was from there originally. I've traced tham back as close to the highlands as Falkirk, so I've got to keep digging. At parades, I always run to the bagpipes instead of away from them, so it's gotta be in the blood.
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