Tuesday, December 30, 2008 - Survived Birthday #50

Nation - my long suffering family has once again managed to surprise me. While I did know that we'd be going to dinner (4-cheese pasta at Cheesecake Factory), I had asked for my favorite whipped cream cake from my ancient hometown (Newark, NJ) bakery "Royal Cake Box", which has since changed it's name to Supreme Bakery located to West Orange, NJ - and I did not see it in the icebox when I got home. I asked my husband did he happen to pick up the cake for me? "Why?" he asked. "Because I don't see it in the 'fridge" I answered. "I thought we were having cheesecake", he said. "Yes, but, since we had talked about the cake, I thought you guys may have picked one up" I responded. But then thought no more about it.

We had dinner, and took cheesecake slices to go. Went to bookstore next door and picked up #6 in my current Outlander series: "A Breath of Snow and Ashes" and went home. Then in the driveway the husband remembers his prescription, "here go pick it up" he said to me. "I'll wait for you to come with me" I say. We go in. My daughter is telling me I'm underfoot, get away from her; she was trying to stuff the cheesecake slices in thr 'fridge with the leftovers. So I went to the bathroom.

When I came out, house in total darkness. My husband, daughter and her boyfriend are in the kitchen singing "Happy Birthday" while my whipped cream cake, with the "5" and "0" candles, along with a giant "The Big 5-0" balloon are in the dining room! I was totally surprised. Also, got a pair of nice warm Uggs Lug-soled clogs in chocolate (of course)!



Cake was in the 'fridge the whole time (damn my eyes). I'd never get through anything without those guys at home! They are the reason I was born.

Happy birthday to me.

Sunday, December 28, 2008 - On the Edge of the Precipice

Nation - Tomorrow is my 50th birthday. I'm totally not anticipating this at all. My parents both died in their fifties: mom at 53, dad at 58. While 2 years ago, I was in the best fitness condition of my life, I am now perched on the edge of a diabetic coma: all I ever want to eat is sugar. I am seeing an endocrinologist and she is concerned about some pancreatic reading. If only I felt like exercising, I know 90% of my issues would dissipate. Menopause is still with me, as are the 17 days periods.

I have been plagued with nightmares of late as well. There was a bear chasing me, and it was at the apartment building I grew up in as a kid. I managed to escape but then remembered that the cats were in the apartment, so I went back to get them. I rescued them, which included one that died 7 years ago, and I heard the bear growling though the door and coming down the stairs after us. There was a couple of mentions of bears in the books I'm reading, however, bears have been in my dreams for over a year. I think they are manifestations of my hormone imbalance.

Speaking of hormone imbalances, I have been pornstar horny over the past 2 weeks; before, during, and after my period ended. I've been driving the husband nuts, and now he's telling me to leave him alone. Why couldn't I have been 1/2 this demanding while I was in my 30s? Again, just me being dumb. It sucks not having my mom to ask questions about getting fucking old. I know I could read forever articles and books on the internet, but I think you'd be better off with some info within your gene pool.

More stuff that irritates: free transport and surgery for foreign kids, whether they are war victims or born deformed. In 2007, my brother died of long treatable sepsis due to fucking hernia in a New Jersey hospital, and no one wanted to treat him because of state disability, yet bleeding hearts (of which I consider myself a liberal as well) will get doctors to perform free medical care and surgery on kids that go back to a cesspool of a third world country. If I hear one more "feel good story", ...

Soon as the husband goes to take his nap, I'll be back to page 490 in my book replacing Claire with myself as Jamie stands her up against a brick wall in the barn and holds her neck down to watch his cock slam her. Wonder if this is adding to my hormonal state...

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 - countdown to Christmas

Nation - I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks since my last entry. I have been reading the most fascinating and gripping series of books into which I have ever had the intense pleasure of delving. "Outlander" by Diana Gabaldon is a series of 6 books (soon to be 7 in Spring 2009) about a nurse from 1947 who, through no fault of her own, falls through a circle of standing stones in Inverness, Scotland and back in time to 1743 just prior to the Rising, when Charles Stuart attempted to bloody force his way back onto the throne. It's a "historic romance" I like to say, as it can be found factual from a historic standpoint, there is plenty of extremely descriptive sex between this lady and her eternal love, who she lovingly refers to as her "wooly mammoth". The SIL and her husband turned me on to these books in September, but I didn't start reading til almost Halloween, but haven't stopped since!! I'm on #5!

Back to the original idea behind my blog - Graying Gracefully. Here is me today (ignore my crepe-y neck):
Now it seems my hair isn't growing nearly as quickly as it did when it was longer. I so want the yellow blond out; now it's taking forever. People who have seen me in both styles love the shorter cut - telling me I'm brave. Hope that's not a euphanism for ugly.

Sunday, December 7, 2008 - Good Memories

Nation...I never discussed the visit to the family compound for Thanksgiving, but first I need to tell you about something closer to home.

While driving home from work on Friday (5th), I was listening to holiday music and really feeling the loss of Christopher. We have again decided this year to forego a decorated inside tree, and concentrate on smaller decorations (part from loss of spirit, but more for ease of cleanup.) Coming down my street, my cd player had already started playing a 1950's version of Frank Sinatra singing "Let It Snow!" It's very big bandish and great. It was about 4:30 and most of my neighbors' lights had already timed on, but then I saw lights all over my own little house! The front of the house and gargage was lit, my 7 little christmas trees lined and lit my curving front walk, and my 2 little penguins were lit and tipping their hats on the front lawn. Strung around the front door and draping over my new front railings was my special-order garland of "frozen ice" lights. In the center of it all was my beloved and long-suffering husband, Willie, tangled in about 1000' of extension cords and animated-ly waving like a slow-operating plug-in figure. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and quite unexpected! I immediately felt my heart swell and started crying! I'm crying now as I remember the scene. Willie and I have stupid problems between us, like why we can't hear each other from room to room, or misunderstanding statements each other make. He is the most supportive man (when he allows himself to be) I have ever known, and I am so thoroughly grateful that we have each other.

I'll be brief on Thanksgiving because my elbow is screaming today (probably due in part to the decorating I did alone yesterday at my job. Drag the tree from storage in the building, set it up, strung the lights, ornaments, garland...then there were the animated reindeers. I'll publish photos this week)

Thanksgiving Day drive to the compound was quick and uneventful (I drove with Willie; my daughter and her boyfriend in her car separately) We drove straight to my middle niece's house as she was hosting with her husband and the precious new baby. My SIL and nephew's mom, Elaine, were cooking in the kitchen. It was iconic: in the kitchen of a 100-year-old Victorian on Thanksgiving Day! What else do you need for a Norman Rockwell painting? "Where's the antagonist; where's the drama?" as Martin Scorsese says on the American Express commercial. Well, the antagonist arrived: Propagrampa. Unfortunately, Elaine (who in her late 60's probably, is vocal, extremely well-read, and liberal) made the mistake of innocently asking Propa-G "so what did you think of the election?" From the kitchen, I heard Propa-G launch full-volume into a tirade previously unheard in the little hamlet. The SIL and I were yelling from the kitchen to stop, but it was like we weren't even there. My niece stepped in after Propa-G's comment of "Obama is no better than Adolph Hitler." All through his speech, the FIL kept his legs crossed as well as his arms across his chest, absolutely closed to any opinion or words except his own. After that exchange, it got alot better and dinner was out of this world. We could have eaten fast food, and I still would have enjoyed the company just as much. My SIL and I ventured out at around 11AM on "Black Friday" and found the local malls extremely easy to navigate. On Saturday, we (me, Willie, the SIL, her husband, the niece and her husband) all drove to the coast and had a fantastic lunch at a local brewery. I had my first taste of mulled cider (yum-o), and then we all had Starbucks and shopped in an extremely quaint and wonderful Main Street of town, complete with gaslights and brick sidewalks. Very New England. My heart breaks when I have to leave.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008 - Where the hell is the fuckin' chicken salad??

Before I say anything, let me state absolutely that I believe in a condition further to be known as "Menopause Hurricane" and I must have been suffering it's effects on the day in question.

Nation...I am sure you are all aware, as am I, of the sorry state of customer service in the retail industry. So very few retail employees are actually willing to assist you with what you need; they want to just spit an answer and get you out of there.

Here's my situation: Tuesday night, 7PM, at my local Costco. My prize: Cape Cod Chicken Salad (take my word for it; it's Thanksgiving on a lettuce leaf.) It's not in it's regular (and still tagged) spot on the refrigerated shelf. I look for a happy employee in a red vest to ask for assistance. To the employee I found I related my story of not finding the CCCS where it is kept, and I was wondering if maybe they placed it elsewhere to allow space for the Hombre Grande Nacho Tubs. He didn't bat an eye, never left the spot he was standing, and said: if it's not out there, we don't have any. "How do you know?" I asked, already ticked, "the tag is still on the shelf." He says, "Oh, that's a very popular item. When we put it out, it sells quick." (First of all...that's a lie. It has always been on the shelf and has never been in need of restocking. Fuckin' lazy ass) "Fine, when will you be getting more delivered?" He replies, "you'll have to ask up front."

Rewind to November 8th. I was again at Costco, looking for CCCS. I was able to wrangle a very helpful employee who looked all over the store and did find the product, however, it was buried in a storage refrigerator. Could I come back tomorrow, and he'd make sure they put some out overnight; there were 109 pieces in-house per the Inventory system. I assured him I would, and I did, and happily went home with 2 containers to last me through Thanksgiving.

Now, back to last Tuesday. I went (more like stormed) "up front". I started my story again, as I didn't want the front-end assistant to know about the guy I had already talked to. She looks up the product on the Inventory system. There are 53 pieces in house. WHERE IS MY FUCKIN' CCCS? Told her I made a special trip for it (which was true) and could someone look around for me? She picks up the phone to call back there, BUT - lo and behold - who comes up front at that moment but the lazy ass I had already spoken to. "John", she calls to him, "are you on break? I need you to find some CCCS." He says, "There is none. I looked." NOW I'M REALLY FURIOUS. I said to her, "He looked on the same shelf I looked on." So she says, "Inventory shows 53 pieces." He answers, "Well, there's probably a problem with inventory." She looks at me, blankly. I ask, "Are you telling me that when each container is purchased it does not get subtracted from the total of pieces?" He jumps in, "They entered more than they received." I said "by 53 pieces??" It was obvious she was not going to be of any help to me. So I asked when more would be delivered. She says, "Well, it's an active item. We get trucks in every day." Then she smiles, this huge toothy grin, as if to say "This conversation is over" almost robotic (like a Stepford wife).

I went back last night, Thursday, and not finding my f'ing CCCS, found an employee willing to dig around and actually use the Inventory system (imagine!) on his own (I didn't have to go "up front"). There are still 53 pieces in house, but he was willing to note it on a receiving sheet to have it returned to the shelf where the tag still hangs, in front of the Hombre Grande tub of Nacho dip.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008 - So Much for Which to be Thankful

Nation...there is a saying that if everyone you knew were to stand in a circle, and each was to put their worst problem out in the middle: each of us would take back our own problem.

I have written a bit about the horrors that befall the innocent, especially children and animals. As I sit here working on a spreadsheet to reclaim about $39K of my company's money from a previous insurance handler, I happened onto CNN just to see what Obama is up to. The following few headlines are what greeted me:

Mom follows dark path from icy rescue to murder charge - a year ago 4 brave souls jumped into a bone-chilling river in Iowa last winter to save Michelle Kehoe and her two sons (aged 1 and 6), the mother is now charged with the murder of the 2 year old and the attempted murder of the 7 year old.

Dad raped daughters for 27 years - a 56 year old man in UK raped his 2 daughters about 3 times per week starting in 1981, resulting in 19 pregnancies between the 2 girls. In 1998, 1 of the 2 daughters tried to call Childline (like DYFS or ACS) and report abuse, but was offered no guarantees she'd be able to keep her children if she told her story. The story came to light in UK due to the horrific torture death of one of the babies.

Teacher accused of punching student, police say

And those were just from today. What the fuck is happening to us? I do not have the words to use to describe my absolute despair over the state of our society on a global scale. Knowing that this is happening out there behind doors and in little towns and big cities, I find myself more fearful (that's not really the word I want) about everything. It makes me feel hollow, and it makes life feel hollow - like a shell that could crack at any moment.

Be thankful for the closeness of family members; don't sweat the small stuff. Be free with forgiveness; don't go to bed angry or not talking. There's obviously enough stress in this world already; don't add to your own - do you really need 5 vegetables with the turkey? Or 3 kinds of potatoes? Or 100 dozen cookies, pastries, and pies? No. The food and the meal are insignificant: the COMPANY you share is what will be remembered.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sunday, November 23, 2008 - The Lunatic is on the Grass...

Another great old song ("Dark Side of the Moon" - Pink Floyd)

Nation...haven't we all had a "friend" in our lives at some point that drives us absolutely insane? The type that you start thinking about killing just to silence their constant clammering, while they think the things they do are normal because they have good hearts?? The type that when they call on the phone, you're exhausted at the end and just fall into a fitful sleep? They continually do the same inane things repeatedly expecting different results. Gather 'round children and I'll tell you a story. "I hope to impart a lesson, because that's what I do" (<-actual quote from Propagrampa).

Once upon a time, there was a married woman having a 9-year affair. She tried to break off the affair, but the man (who was also married) wrote letters to her husband, daughter and son with details of the affair. She started seeing him again (for 3 more years) after he followed her to her next employer. (It was at this point I happened to meet her, and with a love of animals between us, we became friends.)She saw him for a few more years and then had decided her marriage of 30 years could not be saved, so she filed for divorce. After all this crap, her husband was crushed and wanted to try therapy. She found an apartment and moved out. She then told me she had met someone through work that was her soulmate. I was glad because she deserved to be happy with someone who didn't talk/act like they were better than her (her husband was kind of a 'know-it-all'). Then she started talking about Mr Soulmate and his loveless marriage. I said, "Why aren't you trying to meet someone who is single and available for a relationship with you?" She explained that going through the divorce, she didn't want a commitment. I said that she'd be better off by herself for a while so she could actually find out who SHE was without the involvement of any men.

While she was seeing Mr Soulmate, she was berated by Mr Stalker for not seeing him. He showed up at her new apartment doorstep one morning after she got home from an overnight shift at her job. I said, "Oh my god - how did he find you??" She had given him the address "in case he ever needed anything." I said, "Why would you give your address to someone you're not seeing? Have you ever heard of a telephone...?" So, then she decided that as she was growing older, no one seemed to be the type of man to grow old with except her husband, so she started therapy, and broke it off with Mr Soulmate, but never cut the tie with Mr Stalker (hedging her bets, I guess.) She kept him in the dark about her marriage counseling. I was so upset with her. At one point, she told me she found a camera running inside a motorcycle helmet on a dresser after a sexual encounter between the two of them.

There were several incidents where her safety was in question, and the fact that she was always willing to be with him "because he has no one to take care of him." (By the way, he is STILL married and lives separately from his wife.) But the incident that made me stop talking to her was when she caught a sexually-transmitted disease from Mr. Stalker. She was shocked. I said, "you were sleeping with Mr. Soulmate, and your husband, and Mr Stalker. Did you really think he was exclusive to you???" "Well, yes, because he is always so lonely." I guess not too lonely hmmm? When she told Mr Stalker he just laughed. She never told her husband that she was infected, and may have slept with him during their reconciliation, which did not work out. She explained she couldn't tell the husband as it would just break his heart. So she abandoned her duty to the women of Planet Earth and this guy is a walking clamydia case waiting to land in some woman.

I stopped returning her calls in July 2007 after my brother passed away. I couldn't be bothered anymore with her drama, on top of the loss of Christopher. Time passed and she stopped calling.

Fast forward: Monday, November 17, nighttime 8PM: as I was coming up my deck stairs to return to the house from the garage, I heard a voice behind me in my driveway "Hello." I nearly jumped out my skin! The husband heard me yell over the sound of running water in the bathroom while he was on his knees unclogging a drain. I said, "Jesus you could have called", she answered with "I thought you probably wouldn't take the call." Blah blah blah she's doing whatever, I'm doing nothing but the same, everybody's fine.

She said we haven't spoken in a while and she really wanted to be friends (or something) again. I told her what I should have told her a year ago; that I have serious issues with how she handles her personal life and she wanted to know did I think I could get past it? I sighed and just looked at her. Did I want to talk about it? Well, actually, no. Also, even while I said this, she offered no current info on her situation; not that it would have made a bit of difference to me at that point. I've been living just fine without her drama for the past 16 months (I so cannot believe that so much time has passed. Not for talking to her, but since my brother passed away)

Longer story short, she left. Hopefully for good. Honestly, what type of person just shows up after not seeing you for 18 months and not talking to you for 16 months? A psycho. I was really pissed that she just showed up like that. If you call me and I don't answer oh well. That's what message machines are for. The only people who should show up at houses unannounced should at least be in current friendly communication.

Morale of the story: Don't shit where you eat.

Saturday, November 22, 2008 - Yoga (again) and Holiday Plans

Nation...I fought every nerve ending in my desperately-resistant, freakishly-misshapen body and performed a 20-min practice this morning and then, after hitting the local shopping highway, I actually performed a repeat session of the same practice! Let me tell you: 5 minutes in to the first session I was ready to cry about what I've been doing to myself and quit. My knees and shins hurt so badly, I couldn't tell from where the pain was coming. I'm so out of practice, I could barely sit on my heels; and forget about crawling forward from that seated "Hero's Pose" into a great resting "Child's Pose" - my heels and my butt were between 4-6" apart. In the correct form, the butt cheeks touch the heels. Terrible form!

But I endured. I was sweating, grunting, finally cursing (my favorite) my way through the 20-minute vinyasa (flowing) session. I can hardly believe that I was practicing Bikram this past summer for 90-minutes per session 2-3 times per week. Why did I ever stop working out?? What a fucking idiot I am.

Got a really busy week: I must start packing Monday, so I can bake Tuesday and have my regular nail appointment. Wednesday is a half-day at work, followed by a haircut, then out for a surprise comedy show (I'm treating my husband, daughter and the boyfriend) in the city. We'll be heading north to the family compound (yes, I'll be seeing a post-election Propagrampa), actually driving on Thanksgiving morning. This is the first holiday in like 20 years that I won't be cooking. Oh yeah, babe! I will be baking two Pumpkin Roulades (like a jelly roll with a ginger/nutmeg filling) and bringing those for a dessert option.

If I don't write this week, it'll only be because I just didn't have the time. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, no matter where you are spending it.

Thursday, November 20, 2008 - All the good doctors are dead

Had the appointment with the new endocrinologist last Saturday. It went ok I guess. I found out that the dosage of thyroid meds the primary prescribed me is used as a "placebo." Gee, thanks for taking me seriously, you prick! I cried when the endo told me the amount of medicine is gone before it even hits my stomach, and also that level of meds will do nothing for weight loss. She wants me to keep a food journal; I don't need to actually read (and therefore face) the amount of garbage I am eating.

She did, however, send me for a full battery of blood tests. I had those done this morning after fasting from last night. (I figured I deserved a nice Starbucks White Mocha for all that suffering.)
She also mentioned that my thyroid felt odd (under manipulation) so she wants me to have an ultrasound, but I forgot to mention the prescription before I left the office. She is actually in the process of moving from one office space to another across the street from the current location, so I better get the Rx now so we can discuss at my next visit on Dec 13.

I wish I was thin again, but I don't want to do all the cardio. I don't even want to do some cardio.

Work is good. I'm about to start overseeing a new driver safety program for my company's 1,780 drivers. I was devastated last January when my boss removed workers compensation from my realm of duty, and had me focus strictly on auto. But now I'm really glad; I work much better with figures than I do with people. Probably because I don't really care about the general public. It's a weird thing: I'm not really a dick, but unless I know you one on one, I really don't care to listen to your crap.

Plus nobody is as funny as me. (ha!)

Thursday, November 13, 2008 - Halloween pics are up

Here's some of the Halloween sights from my house:

Nation - just received this with pics, but I'm too lazy to cut & paste. Just read you'll get the picture:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'Have a wonderful day !

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.- Cora Harvey Armstrong
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.(Unknown)
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.-Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.- Janette Barber
Old age ain't no place for sissies- Bette Davis
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.- Caryn Leschen
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.-Catherine
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.- Roseanne Barr
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.- Maryon Pearson
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.-Eleanor Roosevelt
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!!!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008 - Another Day, Another Doctor

Nation...it is post-Halloween, post-Election, post-everything. Today is today and I move ever closer to a normal life.

I was given the name of several endocrinologists in this area: one sounds fantastic, however, he is in his 80s and not in my health network (translation: $345 for initial visit, and $55-125 for each follow-up). I love the really old doctors, though. They put their hands on you and can almost "divine" what's wrong on the inside. They aren't afraid of actually practicing medicine. I've had four like that, but they are all dead. Stupid aging process.

The second one is a woman, but the current patient doesn't care for her manner or the disorganization in the office. I looked her up on RateYourDoctor.com, and out of 5 she scored a 4.1. I couldn't find her in my health network, although the patient states she is.

The third is also a woman, a Russian, and has split with her former practice (I already am intrigued). In addition to having an MD, she is also a DO (osteopath) so she's not afriad of medicine or holistic practice (that's 2 points) AND she is in network (bingo!...trifecta...hat trick...a 3-pointer from way downtown...<-insert your favorite saying regarding the #3).

So I guess you can tell I've made my decision. It was difficult to contact her as the insurance company had the wrong number printed in the listing. The remaining practitioners have moved out of Bergen to Morris, so when I made contact there, I did make an appointment. I'll just cancel now that I found her correct phone number. Very exciting.

Had my review at work; while all the crap has been running downhill like a Southeast-Asian mudslide, my boss is apparently happy with the work I produce despite my complete lack of sense or confidence. She's out this morning so I'm taking this opportunity to address all of you today.

I saw someone yesterday at a research facility (where I avail my skin for patch-testing and money) whom I hadn't seen in a while. While our daughters were in 8th grade they played softball together, but I've known her most of the time I was here in Bergen as she was best friends with the girlfriend of my husband's then best friend (1985). She is about 2-3 years older than I, however, time and illness has taken a toll. She was diagnosed with emphysema in 1999-2000, but now is in early stage leukemia, and gets blood transfusions for her marrow. She has lost 50 pounds since this diagnosis 2 years ago.

While leukemia is not rare, it is the second case I personally know of in my friend universe and in the same town!! My husband's friend, also a few years older than us, was diagnosed with leukemia about 3 years ago. What is going on in my town/county??

Just when I thought I was ill enough with perimenopause to complain, along comes real illness.

How you like me now?

Tuesday, November 4, 2008 - VOTING DAY

My husband and I voted as soon as polls opened this morning at 6AM. No lines in my town (at that time anyway). My daughter went later and there was a 40-person wait at one district's table, but not hers.

Nation we stand at the precipice of the new world. Please kick the old guys in the ass over the edge of the cliff and side into the dark abyss.

GO'BAMA 2008

Monday, November 3, 2008 - Take This Job and SHOVE IT!

Oh, Nation...who among us can truly say they love their job/career? How great is it to be doing the work you love and actually get paid to do it? I think jobs like that are few, however, I have been somewhat fortunate that the positions I have held, I may not have actually loved, but I seemed to perform the duties very well, and my managers all were happy throughout these past years.

My current manager seems to be going through some kind of crap in her life, and has been such since probably the start of this year. I thought my moods with menopause were unpredictable, but this woman (aged 40) is like a roller coaster, and I'm too old for this type of ride! First in January she cut 1/2 my duties and said she wanted me to focus on the duties where my strengths were (so she didn't have to write 'needs improvement' on my appraisals! <-yes, she actually said those very words.) Then, after knowing I was a regular lunchtime gym-goer for a year prior (she even asked me about classes), she decided in April that I was taking advantage of her and told me I was no longer allowed to go to hour-long classes at lunch; my lunch was 45 mins and I was to keep that time.

Most recently, with the onset of the arm injury, I went to my follow-up appt at lunch time last week, and she complained to me that I didn't tell her about the appt (she was not in the office all week and travelling), said I was again taking advantage, and that she felt she couldn't maintain a level of trust with me. (yes again those were exact words)

Well...first of all, Nation, I really don't care about trust. You cannot make someone feel trust for you, no matter how you perform; that comes from within them. What you can do, however, is try very hard not to laugh in their face when it is obvious they are trying to upset you. Which is the route that I took in this case. My husband has a problem with my marital fidelity (I have never strayed in 22 years), so for my boss not to trust me, is so a joke to me. As Tommy Lee Jones said to Harrison Ford's statement of innocence in the death of his wife in 'The Fugitive': I don't care.

I have been scoping out the insurance field in online job searches, just to see what's out there.

I got a nice compliment from a wonderful lady with whom I have done Pilates for years; she said I looked like I had lost weight since I saw her last (about 3 weeks ago). I think I have lost 7 pounds, but I feel it's due to my continuation of the thyroid meds against my doctor's orders.
I do feel somewhat better, too. I'm sure I've said this already: I need a new doctor.

Got some hair gel for the 'do. I'm so out of practice with all things beauty-based.

How was everyone's Halloween? My front porch was SOOOOOO scary, I had 2 kids who cried and wouldn't come up (I had to bring the candy down to the street). Most everyone loved it: parents were taking photos of their kids next to my very scary SAW puppet, Billy, on his little red tricycle. I had a soundtrack of kids screaming in horror, dogs howling, banshees wailing, my foggers were dispensing low-lying terror clouds throughout the neighborhood depending on the breeze at the time. A good time was had by all.

Monday, October 27, 2008 - Comments Response

In response to Scarlett's comments: I thought my arm/elbow was getting better but today they had me perform a new movement (a hand strength squeezing device) and during the post-work ultrasound treatment a pain started in my arm that radiated from elbow to wrist and elbow to shoulder. I couldn't even complete the ultrasound, which I normally regard as a reward. I had to skip the electro-stim w/ice; not so much because of pain, but because some cranky old lady next to me took so f*ing long to get the correct stim setting on her terminals that it ate into my time and I had to get back to work.

The hair: yes I have had my hair this short (it was actually shorter), but it was 12 years ago. Yes, the shorter style is much easier, however, my hair is mad thick and very poofy. I may need to start using wax or mud to keep the front crown down. I don't want it to look like a deranged D.A. Remember those from the late '70s? (BONUS if you know what the letters D.A. represent in the hair industry.)

Sunday, October 19, 2008 - Another Impulsive Haircut

Greetings Nation. 1st: more anti-democratic propaganda arrived in the mail from Propagrampa, but no check. He said he'd send money "so you can use it now when we need it, instead of having to wait till I die." Well, I'm still waiting. Funny he never forgets the twice-weekly republican mailing. Sigh.

2nd: take a peek at yet another new me. I'm very happy with this extremely short haircut; I should have done this the last time I was at the salon and saved $50.

Now this is what I'd like to think is Graying Gracefully!

Nighttime, Friday, October 17, 2008 - UPDATE

Nation: who among us is satisfied with the level of their medical care? I thought I was well on my way to having some of more problematic physical issues rectified, and this feeling culminated when I had a visit to my primary physician 2 weeks ago. As you recall, my gyno determined that my TSH levels were high and sent me off to the primary. He prescribed thyroid meds and took more blood. I specifically stated "I want a hormone panel in this bloodwork; I need to know my estrogen and progesterin levels because perimenopause is making me insane."

I called their office today because tey never called me. He called me back tonight and told me the thyroid levels were good, and stop taking the medicine. I said, "why did you do a second thyroid panel as I just gave you the results from the week before?" He said "I was looking for antibodies indicative of thyroid inflammatory (something something)." I was really ticked at that.

So I then asked "what are my hormone levels because this menopause is making me crazy." He is quiet for a moment and then says, "Oh, I didn't order a hormone panel. I'm sorry". NOW I'M PISSED. "I specifically asked for the hormone panel so I could judge my level at perimenopause." All he could say was he was sorry, to come back in and they'd do the hormone panel.

People - who wants to take another friggin day (sick, vacation or otherwise) to get another doctor's appointment for something I expected was already done???

I'm ready for a new doctor. I really hate this guy.

Friday, October 17, 2008 - Another Haircut??

Nation: so much is happening in our world...First, of critical importance - Joe the Plumber has single-handedly put the election in Obama's lap. Had McCain NOT tried to one-up his opponent, the media wouldn't have "vetted" this poor guy from Ohio - only to broadcast on television that allegedly he's not a licensed plumber, nor allegedly is he up to date with his tax payments to the state of Ohio. I am sure he no doubt regrets ever going to an Obama rally to complain about his business situation, which by the way would benefit from an Obama tax solution.

Second, I am receiving physical therapy on my elbow. I hurt it at work from this damn constant 'mousing' for accounting reports that always need to be tweaked: cut a column here, paste a row there. Day by day, year by year, century after century we labored in the Egyptian brick pits of Ramses II...oh wait, that's The Ten Commandments. BONUS points if you can name the actor who exotically portrayed the prince turned pharaoh. NO GOOGLING!! (giveaway hint: he was also a dancing ruler in another film). Back to my PT: my arm hurts like hell. It hurts to write, drive, brush my teeth, brush my hair. I can't push or pull a door, twist open a cap, or shift the car. I keep it tightly wrapped when working, but it's really starting to annoy me. The PT is cold packs administered with electro-stimulation. I was thinking "hmm, water plus electricity...this could be an issue." My dad was a licensed union electrician - I know a few things. But the therapist assured me this is widely regarded in western medicine. So they hooked me up and flipped the switch. I'm still here, so I guess it works in practice, but in theory it is madness.

Third, MY HAIR is gay. I cannot do a damn thing with it, it looks awful, and I have to attend a 3-day "team management meeting" with my boss and the rest of our department. We have members in a couple of states and the UK so after we go on a site visit to our NJ warehouse, we'll be going to dinner somewhere on the waterfront. (<-another movie reference) Anyway my hair is completely unprofessional and hardly presentable for strangers in public at an expensive restaurant. May have to drop by the hairdresser and have more cut off. Then hope the new look either lasts through the meetings, or is easy enough for me to maintain. That seems to be the tipping point - ease of maintenance.

Fourth and finally - the fatness. I cannot close the waistbands of the largest pants I own, so I just zip and wear a big-ass shirt over the pants. I'm like George Costanza in sweatpants - I've given up.

More to follow after either the hair or the meeting.

Monday, October 13, 2008 - Onset of Severe Depression

Similar to the immediate onset of depression I felt on 9/19/08, I sit here at my work cubicle trying not to scream and cry. Don't know where it came from, but I must admit - I did not want to come in the building this morning. I'm hurting so bad I cannot even think straight.

I just want to be home in bed unaware.

Sunday, October 12, 2008 - Post-Spa Afterglow

Oh, Nation - I must recommend at least once in your life to go to a real spa and enjoy a body polishing. From head to toe I was salted, sloughed, slathered, and scented. And it wasn't over; after nice orange water, ginger tea and lunch, it was time for couples massage with my daughter. We picked the aromatherapy oils for ourselves (we each picked Garden Fusion without knowing), and the 80 minutes of rubbing began. I fell asleep three times, and wondered what were the weird sounds I kept hearing (it was me snoring quietly) - I kept waking myself up! The second time, I woke up to my daughter and her massage therapist giggling at me. Here we are after the massage, standing in front of a serenity stone - a great obelisk of a water feature:


After more water and tea, we drove back - fully exhausted, bordering brain dead - to have dinner at the condo. We then decided we weren't quite too tired, so drove back to Woodstock for a little shopping.


It was a wonderful 2 days of connection and bonding. Very expensive (I'm sure next time I'll look closer to home for similar services), but worth it.

I chose the body polish prior to the massage as it was to awaken my skin to the full restoration of the massage. I was a submissive participant to the talented hands of, first, Chris for the polish and then Audrey for the massage. (NOTE: I don't stop to think very often of exactly how much stress I am truly under. My greatest concern is the lack of union work for my husband. His job keeps me in this house and with medical benefits. He won't get benefits next year, though, as he hasn't worked the necessary number of hours this year. I'll have to purchase the benfits from my employer: they will cost a large deduction of my salary, and I already know they won't be as comprehensive. ) These unspoken, subconscious stressors have really done a number on me, both physically and emotionally this past year. So the massage really drained that out of my lymph nodes. When I finally went to bed, I slept though the night and next morning a total of 11 hours. I haven't slept like that since I stopped drinking - 20 years ago.


In our photo, my daughter is concerned she looks too pale, however, in comparison to me she looks downright olive (just like paternal grandma Rose aka "Nana Goo-Goo"). I on the other hand appear to be knocking at death's door; my hair,eyes, and skin are the same color with the exception of the horrible rosy cheeks. People worry about "crow's feet"; I look like I've been attacked and stamped by a flock of angry crows.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008 - Jailhouse Rock!

Nation - as promised here is the drawing from Propagrampa. I called him yesterday to sincerely thank him for the cartoon and told him he really made me feel differently about the discussion we had regarding his methods. He assured me he's not obsessed; he just can't stand by watching generations of people having to pay for "stolen" payroll contributions. (He's got issues with social security, but I give the guy some leeway.)

Sunday, October 5, 2008 - Mommy & Me Spa Day!

Greetings Nation.
I'm not feeling that great today, although I did manage to get laid yesterday. Changes in libido seem to be a perimenopausal issue as well as all the other crap; 1 year ago my husband was telling me "not tonight, I don't feel good"; I couldn't get enough. Now my situation is almost 180 degree turn. I don't like this, and I must admit, I'm not feeling as sexy as I felt 50 pounds ago.

As a belated birthday gift for my daughter, I am taking her to upstate NY to a great spa for an overnight trip - just she and I. My husband's friend has graciously donated his mountain rental condo for a freebie stay, so we'll be there for 2 nights. All day at the spa on Friday - scheduled luxuries: cranial massage, amber body polish, spa lunch, full body aromatherapy massages for two! I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. I love spending time with my daughter as she is quickly growing up away from me.

Notes on my beloved child: never could there be a more perfect flower than my baby girl. With her faults and troubles, I'd never choose another. She's my one and only - truly the only reason I was ever born. She's everything I'm not, and all that I could aspire to be.

She's a senior in college, due to graduate in December 2008. She's made the Dean's List for the 3rd time in 4 years, and this time has been invited to the dinner. I'm going, too! Yay for me!

She has been published; her freshman year essay, "The Art of Growing Up" is part of the permanent collection in her college's library. She was nominated for a second publication in junior year, but didn't make it. Doesn't matter: her professor felt her worthy of the nomination.

After graduation, she'll be applying to (and hopefully accepted at) a local graduate school to master in School Psychology. She's had some very influential school staffers in her educational life and this is a good fit for her. She'll have come full circle with her life and be ready to start another chapter.

She has her father's look, however, anything having to do with me lays beneath the surface: she's the funniest person I've ever known (myself included) as she uses intelligence with her humor. She's dry, dark, and hysterically observant.

When I talk about her, I never search for adjectives or trip over my tongue. I'm not looking forward to the empty nest which will surely come one day. I'll have to talk to the husband all the time; who is he, anyway?

Seems anti-climactic to end here, but I can sum my relationship up in 4 words: She's all I have.

Friday, October 3, 2008 - Update on the Issues

Nation...you all know the situation between myself and Propagrampa is tenuous at best; I believe that he felt I was trying to warn him about his criminal activities out of worry for him, while it was actually more of a self-supporting need for schadenfreude. I was quite disappointed when I did not get the argumentative rise from him that I was anticipating.

Well just after you spend 100 years with someone and think you cannot learn anymore, they turn around and surprise you. On Wednesday, a birthday card arrived from Propagrampa for my daughter. With the card came (of course) more propaganda for me, but also a little cartoon drawing of an old man behind bars in jail. He included a note: "Jacqueline - is this good enough for jail?" or something to that effect. I couldn't believe it! He listened! The receipt of that cartoon moved something long buried in me - joy from the contact with another person. Who would have thought it would come from Propagrampa?

I'll scan the drawing and post it Monday for you all.

When my daughter was growing up, she would often complain about the meanness of others or how another kid was dumb, or whatever. I told her, "Everyone has something positive to offer. You just have to give them a chance." I guess the FIL proved my own point to me.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008 - Anti-vacation trip to the family compound

Here's a synopsis: We had no where to stay once we got there (too many family members staying over at 3 houses) so we spent money that we don't have for hotels. The weather sucked for the entire 4 days. We had already given the niece her baby shower gift in August, so we really never should have gone.

I left my favorite pajamas on the back of the bathroom door on a hook at the hotel and housekeeping didn't turn them in. Who steals gross pajamas? What if I have a disease or hate to wear underpants??

Per my blog, I tried to alert my FIL to his being in contempt of several laws regarding the theft of intellectual property, however, he is sure no one would ever prosecute him and as long as he's getting out the message, that's more important. If the husband had left the room, I would have konked the FIL on the head with a toner cartridge. I feel robbed of my schadenfreude moment.

Preliminary blood work indicates a serious thyroid issue; I have a follow-up appt on this Friday with my primary physician.

Life sucks.

The daughter's boyfriend has credit purchased a Harley Davidson m/c. He doesn't eat vegetables and wonders why he is the most unhealthy adult I have ever known.

Sighhhhh.....

Thursday, September 25, 2008 - Law on my side

Nation - by now you all know about Propagrampa. Well, now hear this: I have spoken at length with my beloved manager, who knows a lot about risk, insurance, and the law. It appears that each time Propagrampa takes a published article and "cut-n-pastes" it, he is essentially plagarizing as he then inserts these paragraphs into his own brand of publication. He then distributes same in local parking lots and mailboxes.

Most magazines contain a disclaimer that none of the articles can be copied or redistributed, even if not for profit, without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Since he doesn't have it, this is theft of intellectual property. I LOVE INSURANCE - it's what I know best.

It becomes especially heinous since the articles are cut up, all statements are "out of context" and NOT what the author intended.

I CANNOT wait to get to the family comound tomorrow to say "How you like me now?"

Peer into the Mind of the Maniac - Propagrampa

After I doctored his face (my luck demands that his neighbors will suddenly read this blog) I have attached this pic of Propagrampa as well as his "manifesto", which resembles the ramblings of the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. Not sure if the right guy is imprisoned.

Review and suddenly be happy with YOUR in-laws.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 - New Gyno, New Outlook?

Nation - It's been a while since I was taken seriously by a physician. My experience has been that they want to do tons of diagnostics (sometimes quite painful) and tell you, "Well, everything is within normal range. Call back for a recheck in 3 months." "Thanks, here's my copay. I'm going home to slit my wrists now."

Dr. Vinod is the first doctor who actually sat and talked at length with me before she ever put a hand into an orifice. "How can I help you? What brings you here today?" I rambled about everything from the death of my parents 20 years ago, to my brother's death last year, the fights with my boss in January and April of this year, my 45 pound weight gain over two years, changes in exercise habits, the dabbling in yoga, Thai massage, ayurvedic healing, etc.

Can I pick a shot in the dark, or what? The woman's brother is a yoga teacher in India at an ashram (it's like a secluded community where you are fully immersed in a teaching. Probably like boarding school). She's older than me, so could understand every nuance of what I had to say about my symptoms. She talked to me about what stress can do to hormones of healthy young people, so in a woman at my point in life, my hormones are in upheaval without stress.

The big thing she confirmed for me, and I forget whether I have addressed this previously on this blog, was the soy milk issue. In June I switched to soy milk to protest the treatment of cows at commercial dairies. Within two weeks I was a serial killer looking for a victim. I told the doctor about this and that I had done some research on the internet. Is it true that soy is an estrogen? "Of course", she stated quite confidently. There was my answer. The entire summer I was stockpiling estrogen into my already estrogen-soaked shell.

Without getting into the what happened next and my actual medical history (HIPAA laws prevent me from revealing such information, plus I don't wanna get caught on the internet when my boss comes in) it was a very good appointment, and I'm glad I finally went.

The moral of the story: perimenopausal women (especially those that are estrogen dominant) should STAY OFF THE SOY! Wait until you are post menopausal when you need the estrogen.

Responses to some of your comments

Nation - some of you have commented! I get so excited when I see a little number 1 or 2!

In response to:
the Austin Public Library: I posted a comment on my entry as to where I found the list of books that Palin allegedly tried to have banned. I have since learned that the list may have circulated for quite a while and the books she wanted to ban are included in the list, but may number less than this list. The outcome was the same, however; the librarian refused, her job was threatened, but public outcry won over and the librarian kept her job.

Liz Feuerbach: thanks very much for reading the ramblings of an old lady. As to being there when Propagrampa opens the mail, I am heading to the "family compound" this weekend and hope the start of democratic mailings have commenced. Believe me, he'll hold an angry face. Some background on Propagrampa: He never planted grass seed over a burn spot on his lawn after Uncle John left the Edsel running in the driveway in 1938 and the exhaust killed the grass. He wanted John to know he remembered the incident. To anyone asking about the unplanted area, he would tell the story. Talk about holding a grudge!

Scarlett: thanks for being my faithful reader and supporter! :)

Monday, September 22, 2008 - new gyno

ok Nation...tomorrow I see a new gyno. My last one appeared to be playing dress-up doctor, and by that I mean she looked younger than my own daughter who will be 22 next Monday. In the words of American philosopher Jerry Garcia: what a long, strange trip it's been.

The new one - by all accounts - is older than I, which is exactly what I want. Someone who may have some tried and true methods for relieving some of my perimenopausal symptoms without going the route of artificial hormones. I'm just too scared for that.

Much to my dismay, I have calculated on the scale that since my wonderful 20th anniversary trip in April 2006 I have gained 45 pounds! I only stopped working out in April of this year, but it seems that whatever I eat, the calories seem to triple. I am not eating any differently, so I think that 45 pounds is an awful lot of weight to accumulate in 2 years, even using the adage of "all old people's metabolisms slow down". I anticipate getting bloodwork done, as I hope that it will read other than "within normal range". I want something found that can be fixed. Not like I want it to be bad or a death sentence, but a piece of information with which I can work.

Hair news! I have decided to cut yet again. I cannot stand the length or shape of this hair as I look like a dick (a penis, if you prefer), with the part in my hair appearing like the opening on the head.

My sinuses are killing me and I have to go. Must speak with the hairdresser again and see when she can clip me.

Title-Free - Friday, September 19, 2008

Greetings Nation.

I have been blindsided this afternoon with a crippling wave of depression. As I sit here looking at a coffee table that needs to be cleared of clutter and empty snack bags, I just burst into tears.
I tell you that I was fine at 3PM. I have actually been using my cross trainer (elliptical) 4 times in the last 5 days, I walked at lunchtime with my 2 very young and very pregnant co-workers, and have been really eating well.

Today I weighed myself and in 2 weeks have gained 5 pounds. I seriously don't know how much more I can take of this mental instability. I don't like the fact that my insanity comes and goes, because the good doesn't stay long enough to build a life upon.

I'm so concerned about the economy, I think I'm becoming physically ill. It's painful to watch any network coverage because all they scream is sensationalism. I've been pretty faithful to CNN; they seem to be more my speed in that when they introduce a story, they give it more than a 15-second sound bite before moving on to the traffic and weather. They take the time to explain it;s beginnings and where it's gone today.

Before I fell back into the vast abyss, I did manage to do something rather hilarious I think as it's outcome will truly be of immensurable entertainment value to me. My father-in-law, also known as PropaGrampa, is a maniacal republican. I gave him the name PropaGrampa because he cuts-n-pastes out of context paragraphs from horrible right-wing magazines, then copies pages and pages of the republican propaganda, stuffs it into about 15 (at least) manila envelopes, and fills my mailbox with enough crap to cause a work comp claim for my dear letter carrier. I get packets twice a week. The man is insane; he purchased a copier from Staples because the library was charging him 8 cents per page. So he spent at least $200 (probably more since it has fax capability - god help me) and is running his machine round the clock.

I told you that story to tell you this one: I signed him up for an Obama for President button and lots of literature to be sent to him in the next 7 weeks before the election. How you like me now?
I can't wait to see him at the next family function to watch his 85-year-old face just grimace from not knowing where it's all coming from.

So my hair is horrible, I'm fat, I'm old, but I am trying to maintain my sense of humor.

Political Information: BANNING BOOKS IN THE 21ST CENTURY??

Just what does Sarah Palin think she is doing? Following below is a list of books she tried to have banned from the Wasilla Alaska Public Library, and then tried to have the librarian fired from said library when they wouldn't comply with her censorship. Sarah​ Palin​ can be a fasci​st pig up in Wasil​la,​ Alask​a all she wants​ to, but I like my freedom and this is the greater New York City area. Here's the list:

A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
A Wrink​le in Time by Madel​eine L'​​Engle​
Annie​ on My Mind by Nancy​ Garde​n
As I Lay Dying​ by Willi​am Faulk​ner
Blubb​er by Judy Blume
​Brave​ New World​ by Aldou​s Huxle​y
Bridg​e to Terab​ithia​ by Kathe​rine Pater​son
Cante​rbury​ Tales​ by Geoff​rey Chauc​er
Carri​e by Steph​en King
Catch - 22 by Joseph Heller
Chris​tine by Steph​en King
Confessions by Jean-Jacqu​es Rouss​eau
Cujo by Steph​en King
Curse​s,​​ Hexes​,​​ and Spell​s by Danie​l Cohen​
Daddy​'​​s Roomm​ate by Micha​el Willh​oite
Day No Pigs Would​ Die by Rober​t Peck
Death of a Sales​man by Arthu​r Mille​r
Decam​eron by Bocca​ccio
East of Eden by John Stein​beck
Falle​n Angel​s by Walte​r Myers​
Fanny​ Hill (​​Memoi​rs of a Woman​ of Pleas​ure)​​ by John Clela​nd
Flowe​rs For Alger​non by Danie​l Keyes​
Forev​er by Judy Blume​
Grend​el by John Champ​lin Gardn​er
Hallo​ween ABC by Eve Merri​am
Harry​ Potte​r and the Sorce​rer'​​s Stone​ by J.K Rowli​ng
Harry​ Potte​r and the Chamb​er of Secre​ts by J.K Rowli​ng
Harry​ Potte​r and the Prizo​ner of Azkab​an by J.K Rowli​ng
Harry​ Potte​r and the Goble​t of Fire by J.K Rowli​ng
Have to Go by Rober​t Munsc​h
Heath​er Has Two Mommi​es by Lesle​a Newma​n
How to Eat Fried​ Worms​ by Thoma​s Rockw​ell
Huckl​eberr​y Finn by Mark Twain​
I Know Why the Caged​ Bird Sings​ by Maya Angel​ou
Impre​ssion​s edite​d by Jack Booth​
In the Night​ Kitch​en by Mauri​ce Senda​k
It's Okay if You Don'​​t Love Me by Norma​ Klein​
James​ and the Giant​ Peach​ by Roald​ Dahl
Lady Chatt​erley​'​​s Lover​ by D.H Lawre​nce
Leave​s of Grass​ by Walt Whitm​an
Littl​e Red Ridin​g Hood by Jacob​ and Wilhe​lm Grimm​
Lord of the Flies​ by Willi​am Goldi​ng
Love is One of the Choic​es by Norma​ Klein​
Lysis​trata​ by Arist​ophan​es
More Scary​ Stori​es in the Dark by Alvin​ Schwa​rtz
My Broth​er Sam Is Dead by James ​ L. ​Colli​er and Chris​tophe​r Colli​er
My House​ by Nikki​ Giova​nni
My Frien​d Flicka by Mary O'Hara
Night​ Chill​s by Dean Koont​z
Of Mice and Men by John Stein​beck
On My Honor​ by Mario​n Dane Bauer​
One Day in The Life of Ivan Denis​ovich​ by Alexa​nder Solzh​enits​yn
One Flew Over The Cucko​o'​​s Nest by Ken Kesey​
One Hundr​ed Years​ of Solit​ude by Gabri​el Garci​a Marqu​ez
Ordin​ary Peopl​e by Judit​h Guest​
Our Bodie​s,​​ Ourse​lves by Bosto​n Women​'​​s Healt​h Colle​ctive​
Princ​e of Tides​ by Pat Conro​y
Revol​ting Rhyme​s by Roald​ Dahl
Scary​ Stori​es 3: More Tales​ to Chill​ Your Bones​ by Alvin Schwartz
Scary​ Stori​es in the Dark by Alvin​ Schwa​rtz
Separ​ate Peace​ by John Knowl​es
Silas​ Marne​r by Georg​e Eliot
Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Tarza​n of the Apes by Edgar​ Rice Burro​ughs
The Adven​tures​ of Huckl​eberr​y Finn by Mark Twain
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
The Bastard by John Jakes
The Cathcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
The Color Purple by Alice Walker
The Devil's Alternative by Frederick Forsythe
The Figure in the Shadows by John Bellairs
The Grape​s of Wrath​ by John Stein​beck
The Great​ Gilly​ Hopki​ns by Kathe​rine Pater​son
The Handm​aid'​​s Tale by Marga​ret Atwoo​d
The Headl​ess Cupid​ by Zilph​a Snyde​r
The Learn​ing Tree by Gordo​n Parks
The Living Bible by William C. Bower
​The Merch​ant of Venic​e by Willi​am Shake​spear​e
The New Teena​ge Body Book by Kathy​ McCoy​ and Charl​es Wibbe​lsman​
The Pigma​n by Paul Zinde​l
The Seduc​tion of Peter​ S by Lawre​nce Sande​rs
The Shini​ng by Steph​en King
The Witch​es by Roald​ Dahl
The Witch​es of Worm by Zilph​a Snyde​r
Then Again​,​​ Maybe​ I Won'​​t by Judy Blume​
To Kill A Mocki​ngbir​d by Harpe​r Lee
Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare
Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary by the Merriam-Webster Editorial Staff
Witches, Pumpkins, and Grinning Ghosts: The Story of the Halloween Symbols by Edna Barth

Tuesday, September 9, 2008 - Epiphany!

Two things to cover first: 1. My hair sucks; it doesn't do anything but bounce around my head; I wish I could use a blowdryer. But the blond now is not so brassy, and that's always good; 2. My Thai Yoga Massage intro on Saturday in NYC was very interesting. I have watched some youtubes of the massage in action, but did not realize until I had to perform on a partner just how much strength is needed to perform these massages. I was totally sore the next day! Not just arms and hands but legs, back, etc. I had three (3) different partners and each was built differently, which is important so you get to feel what different body types feel like. One of my partners commented that I was "very strong" and that was good; but mostly I sort of held back because I always think I'm going to do something wrong. No confidence in myself still at this age.
My main partner reminded me of the first yama (or rule) of yoga: ahimsa, which is to do no harm to any living creature. Apparently this includes myself, so I have to stop beating myself up. Strange how I never thought of that.

Onto my epiphany... Perhaps it was the 3 yoga massages I received from 3 partners that opened my sen lines for better blood flow to the brain, but I came to a very sound conclusion on Sunday about my depression and all the other things that have been out of wack with the perimenopause. About 4 months ago, after a visit to a farm animal sanctuary in Woodstock, NY, I wanted to do my part and stop drinking milk in protest over treatment of dairy cows at commercial dairies. So I started using soymilk in smoothies and breakfast shakes. I noticed some extra gas at first, but that passed! (HaHa - sorry) I digress...

I've been doing a lot of internet research, as many of you know, regarding perimenopause symptoms and their treatment. It seems that it is more the loss of progesterone that makes for the crazy woman I have become: estrogen overload or dominance. Well, add to that physical condition another 16oz of soymilk - which is a phyto-estrogen - and you get a raving lunatic who could literally slit someone's throat and walk away to wash up.

I had stopped drinking soy milk when we went up to see the family before Labor Day (they don't drink it there) so I've been soy-free since Aug 25. The difference I feel physically is nothing short of amazing. I cannot believe that something as healthy as soymilk could have easily turned me into a remorseless serial killer who could cry over the political climate in this country.

So I'm off the soy until I'm actually menopausal, when I'll be needing all the estrogen I can get.

Friday, September 5, 2008 - outside interests

Hey. I was supposed to take part in a 2-day workshop in Woodstock, NY this weekend, but it was cancelled due to lack of interest! Sadly, that speaks volumes about me; the stuff I'm interested in doing doesn't attract a lot of people! Actually, it was a 16-hour workshop in the application of Thai Yoga Massage and was scheduled to be given by Jyothi Watanabe from the Lotus Palm School in Montreal. I was really looking forward to it, but they cancelled as 10 participants were needed and, after advertising for over 2 months, only 6 signed up. My husband suggested that most people, despite their desire to go, just don't have the extra cash to do something like this. I guess.

Imagine my happy surprise when I found a 3-hour intro to the same Thai Yoga Massage being given in NYC for 1/4 the cost. Very happy! It's even featuring the same instructor.

With any luck, I won't hurt anyone.

Monday, September 1, 2008 - I Hate Everthing

I just got totally fucked over: had a great long blog entry done, loaded my photo and there was an issue with compatibility. Douchebag.

Who cares about graying gracefully? I was musing about menopause; my feelings of self-loathing are at an all time high so I'm wallowing in schadenfreude: in German definition - pleasure from the misfortune of others. Let's start with Alaska governor Palin and her loss of control at home. On about election night - 3 months from now - her unwed, high-school attending, pregnant 17-year-old daughter will deliver to the vp-nominee her first (I think) grandchild. Oh how wonderful - she's keeping the baby. Guess there's nothing else to do in alaska for a high school kid except get laid without birth control. Oh but we believe in having our babies, especially if we can prove a right-to-life point.

I personally hope the baby comes before election day so the undecided populus can see that the republicans do not necessarily think the best-laid plans. One can only hope; I want a windmill in my yard so I can deny the power company at least some of my money.

Here's my photo today, courtesy of webcam. Looking extra fat, I can assure you it has something to do with the angle of the webcam and that I am not so close in appearance to Jabba the Hut, although the neck leaves much to be desired.

More self-loathing: I can hear my neighbors next door (at least their parents) waiting for the daughter to arrive with the twin sons she delivered 2 nights ago, but 1 month premature. When this couple was looking to buy the house next door, I was thrilled that a nice young couple was moving in to the neigborhood and there were babies on the way. Now I'm trying to finish this entry before she gets home so I don't have to mingle with another human being. I have nothing but ill-attitude to offer. Waves of depression, nauseating self-loathing, followed by the occasional hot flash (which aren't helped by sitting in the setting sun). My husband adds: "with bouts of vomiting and explosive diarrhea cha-cha-cha".

Wedded bliss.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008 - Techno-redemption!

I cannot believe I found my original post - read here although it's kind of a duplicate. Blogspot saved it as a draft for me; how did it know I am an idiot??

I am awash in a sea of bitterness. This is just so fucked up to feel this way; the thought of even living another day is nauseating. I thought this blog would help me (or help someone else) in their decision to go gray, however, my unpredictable emotions are getting in the way of writing anything positive.

As I sit here on my back deck (ain't wireless a wonderful thing?), I can hear my neighbors' parents (both sets) next door preparing for the arrival of the daughter and her twins, just delivered 2 days ago but about a month early. I was so thrilled to meet these people just a few short months ago when they were considering buying the house next door, and I thought it was great that they were a young couple with twin sons on the way. Now, I'm hoping to be done with this entry so I don't have to be out here when they arrive. How sick is this?

My hair is the least of my concerns as I contemplate my sadness, hunger, indecision, hatred, remorse, etc. I am just consumed with negativity; news of the republican VP nominee's troubnles at home is actually making me feel good. The Germans have a word for that: schadenfreude. It's one of my favorites. The definition is: pleasure derived from the misfortune of others. Now obviously the GOP-vp nominee says she's not miserable, but how can a 44-year-old self-proclaimed hockey mom of 5 be happy about the prospect of being a grandmom to her 17-year-old high-school attending-unwed daughter's upcoming delivery in 3 months??? Hey maybe the kid will be born on election day! Maybe it'll remind some undecided voters that republican's maybe don't have all the answers; especially at home. How's that for karma??

I'm sure I'm buying someself some bad-karma-payback for these meanderings.

August 29, 2008 - Impulsivity PAYS

Last Saturday came the big change: cut off lots of hair - a good 8" all around, then added layers, then a full-head-highlights twice over. It's a big change but I really like it.

The highlights cut down (way down) on the color difference between the old blond and the new gray. I'm getting lots of compliments on the cut alone, which I didn't expect since I never think I look quite human.

The NEW me.

August 22, 2008 - visit to the hairdresser

BTW: does anyone else love Stephen Colbert? He is an absolute riot!

On the way home yesterday, I stopped to see my hairdresser, Susan. As I tried to explain my decision to go gray, I became sloppily overwhelmed and teary. God perimenopause sucks. I wish the depression and sorrow would end with the chopping of the hair, but I know it won't.

Susan explained that while she could never match the gray, she could cut lots of the blond off and then heavily highlight with silver and see where that takes me. She is very understanding; "worse case scenario: you hate it. I dye it. No problem!"

So into the void...the chasm...the vast abyss...the final frontier I proceed. Headlong and screaming.

August 18, 2008 - 2nd thoughts??

Well, this past Friday I had 5 women of various ages (26-52) debating my hair for me. My good friend whom I have worked out with previously (and whom I had always thought was at least 10 years younger than I) admitted to me that she was 52! She said she'd go to her grave vain and dyed. I must admit, she looks great, but I think she also has nice southern Mediterranean genes in her pool.

As Scar admitted in The Lion King: "alas, I wallow at the shallow end of the gene pool". I think my gene pool was drained before I was conceived. Alas.

I write this at work and wish I could voice command a different screen to be active; my manager always walks over when I'm doing this important work. :)

August 13, 2008 - Hairline Shots

I am feeling just somewhat better than I did the past few days. Peri-menopause blows.

By review of these photos, I still have quite the blond mane, with the exception of the 3/4" of silver throughout. If my head wasn't so poorly shaped, I'd definitely get a chic short cut ala Jamie Lee Curtis. My daughter reminds me, however, that "if you think you look fat now, just cut your hair and see what you think!" Unfortunately, I am forced to agree. Nothing would call more attention to my dozens of chins than a short haircut.

August 11, 2008 Christopher John Ferguson

Nation - "Tear me open; pull me out" (great lyrics from Until It Sleeps by Metallica)

Today is my brother's 46th birthday, however, he is not here to celebrate it. He died suddenly on July 1, 2007; I have not been the same since. My parents are long passed: 1981 and 1987. After a long period of not knowing where Christopher was or what he was doing, he reentered my life around 2002. He had become an alcoholic drinker and it just made me so angry to be around him when he was like that. (My mother and grandmother were both alcoholics; I do not drink at all). He'd make promises to come for Thanksgiving and Christmas; I'd prepare a great dinner and he'd never show up or call. I can't begin to remember all the time I spent crying.

He entered the hospital complaining of hernias in April 2007 and was diagnosed with a liver functioning at 20%; he stopped drinking for good. He spent a lot of time at my house doing work - he was a very talented electrician. He loved troubleshooting problematic wiring. He did a better job at rewiring my basement after the "flooding of NJ" in April 2007 than anyone we could have hired. I loved being able to hug him and have him hug me back without being intoxicated. Drinking or not, there was nothing I wouldn't have done for him - except save him.

He was 104 days sober when he passed away. With the help of Colleen, his girlfriend of 9 years, we planned a July 4th wake. Now you're probably thinking "why would you have a wake on a holiday?" Well, the friends that Christopher had weren't the type to go away on vacation. My concern was that I'd have a wake and no one would come. Imagine my shock when I had nearly 500 people show up. I heard so many wonderful things about my brother from people I never knew. We touch so many other lives with little things we do.

There are little things that keep Christopher fresh in my memory: first there are birds everywhere. My brother had their calls down-pat. When he'd whistle to them they'd whistle back. And then there's a delivery truck that passes my job every day (must be a regular run) at around lunchtime. It's got the name "Ferguson" on the side. It's the weirdest thing, that I never noticed the truck before July 2007 and now I see it almost like Christopher wants me to think about him. Almost like he wants to be around, the truck appears and whatever is on my mind doesn't seem so important.

How does this tie in with my graying gracefully? The graying of my hair, while traumatic in the immediate sense as I look in the mirror or store window, is not even worthy of a small microcosm of importance in the vast universe that is our world. I can hear his voice: "You think you got trouble? Jacqueline, I AM DEAD. How's your trouble now?" We share the same dark humor.

My thoughts aren't as flowing and cohesive as I hoped they'd be on today's blog; I think that's due to the debilitating depression I've been feeling lately. Whether it's due to general sadness about having a basically ineffectual life or being majorly perimenopausal has yet to be determined. I have decided to seek the advice of an endocrinologist for some blood work to examine my general condition.

Sometimes I feel like I could just die of a broken heart and spirit. All alone in a crowded room.

This is certainly NOT graying gracefully. Hope it feels different soon. (PS: I did not go to yoga or to the gym this weekend. I cannot believe how badly I am willing to treat myself. )

August 7, 2008 - Indecision Flip-Flop

Just found out from a friend last night that my hairdresser should be able to do something with my current color to blend the old hair with the new gray roots, so as to ease my transition into senility. At least I might be able to see how I feel about the shock of all this realization.

I have a tendency to talk myself out of things - like going to exercise; I hope it doesn't happen with the gray hair. Even my cousin, who is 20 years older than I, stated "If you don't like it you can always dye it".

I hope I like it; I think I just have to get used to the idea that I am aging and no amount of hair dye is going to keep me looking like I'm 25-30. Damn it.

Feeling depressed today; looking forward to a nap after work. Maybe tomorrow for yoga.

By the way: just so anyone who may be reading knows this - the yoga I am currently exploring is Bikram (hatha postures held for 30-60 seconds in a room heated to 105 degrees.) Oh yeah babe.

August 1, 2008 Decision To Go GRAY

Hi, my name is Jackie and I've made a decision: I will never color my hair again.

I'll be 50 at the end of this year, and I've started going through some mental, emotional, and physical crap lately: my love of working out has vanished (I've been known to bolt from the room just as the instructor is arriving); I snap at my husband and daughter for minor or petty things; I can hardly watch the news anymore (can we even call that network drivel news??) because the absolute evil and lack of compassion in this world makes me so sad.

On top of all this: the state of the economy has forced my husband's area of business to cut back on projects, so he's lucky to be working as most of his peers are out of work presently. With that fact always on my mind, along with keeping our daughter in college, and staying just one step ahead of the mortgage payments, there's not much money to go around. So I have decided to cut back and perform a little "un-spending": cancel the gym membership I've not used in 6 months, I've already gone through withdrawal from Starbucks, and now my bi-monthly coloring and highlights (at a cost of $194) will go the way of the dinosaur.

If I can figure out how to upload pictures of the process, I will do that.