another birthday, more horror. i hoped to some non-existent universal entity to end my life, but alas woke up again. i so wish i felt like living. i imagined using a bathrobe belt to string myself up in the basement but those ancient supports would never hold my ass long enough.
then of course the guilt: the first voice i hear this morning is my daughter's wishing me a happy birthday. guess if i pulled the plug, i wouldn't have been here to appreciate that! no matter how horrible i feel inside. :)
i took this last week of the month off from work as leftover vacation days don't carryover; i should have just gone to work. i cannot listen to the husband for 1 more minute - dude, there's nothing i can do about your license, you've said all this resentful crap before about state agencies, judges, local government - it's like watching a favorite movie again and again. what starts out like cool heaven turns to shitty hell after the third showing.
he's not speaking to me right now, something that happned last night - and i hear him starting to cough inside. can't be on the pc when he gets up, that means i actually have a secret life away from here and reality.
help. i felt the blackness coming yesterday and it scared me. i'm about 2 weeks post-period and have been sugar-raging for a week. going to pick up a nice cake today for the birthday.
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