Time May Heal All Wounds, But It Certainly Doesn't Change Their Cause

Nation...After the death of my brother in July 2007, I have felt I am wandering this earth alone - my daughter being my only blood relation. But they were all of them deceived; there is another relative I have found - on of all places the internet site Facebook - my cousin Penny. She is about 14 months older than me; I couldn't believe it when I found her. I haven't seen or spoken to her in more than 25 years.

Well, I haven't actually spoken to her yet, however, she has sent me her phone number but I find myself extremely hesitant to call her. First, she hasn't aged a fucking day: she is the spitting image of Mariska Hargitay. Where'd she get those genes? Her mom, my Aunt Julie, is living and still looks good. Penny's got a daughter (that I remember from when we were young: her name is Michele). Well, she's got 2 beautiful children, a girl and a boy! There was also a sister, my cousin Laurie; from what I am gathering in the photographs, Laurie also has children - like 4, but I could be wrong about that.

Why do I hesitate to re-learn my blood family? I don't know; I should be in therapy. I should be thrilled, but I am not. I almost want to kick myself for sending her a message that I thought I recognized her and that we may be related. Why couldn't I just leave well enough alone?

My extended family at the compound in New England is where I feel comfortable; I was always so jealous of Penny and here I am 50 years old feeling like a 10-year-old having a hissy fit. She is engaged and obviously has a very full family life with 2 grandchildren and nephews and nieces. I wonder if she ever married between the birth of the daughter and meeting her fiance? Maybe I should just call her; I can always hang up like a gay idiot, right?

Why do I have to feel I have nothing to offer anyone? God I hate feeling this way. Wish I could have an epiphany.

I did decorate the front of the house this weekend with autumn leaf garlands and red & yellow lights - really looks beautiful.

I may be able to write more this week, as my boss is traveling.