Long Time, No See

Nation - I absolutely cannot believe it has been 6 months since my last post. Quick recap: in Oct 2010, my work group had a Team Meeting in Providence RI. On the way up with my colleague, we stopped in Warwick, RI so I could have my first full Thai Massage performed by an equisitely talented woman, Laura Luitje. I'm sure I have mentioned back in Sep 2008 how I hurt my elbow and since then have been acutely aware of every single motion when using it. I tried physical therapy, resting, exercising, rubbing, soaking - no relief of any symptoms. I couldn't even tell you what Laura did during my session, but as I was leaving, she casually said "let me know if you get any relief in the elbow." I really didn't think about it again until the Sat before T'giving 2010 when I had a massage with another Thai practitioner in NYC. While this woman Ananda Apfelbaum (who, in addition to being Laura's teacher, has also written a book on Thai massage) was moving my left arm over my head, I was getting the right arm more comfortable on the floor. I realized at that moment that my right elbow didn't hurt anymore!

Pain is a strange thing, especially in a hinge joint; when it hurts you're so aware of it, BUT when it doesn't you can go through your day using it, not even thinking about the fact you even have an elbow or knee or whatever. Which is I believe how the human body is meant to move; you don't think about the mechanics, you just move.

I finally wrote to Laura this past weekend and told her about my 'sudden' miraculous pain free existence. I am in awe of her; she is a gifted saint.

Ok...so that was Oct/Nov 2010. Of course we were at the compound for Thanksgiving; I dragged my SIL to see Harry Potter Deathly Hallows (Pt1). She had never seen any of the previous 6 movies so I missed alot in explaining stuff to her.

We also went shopping up in Portsmouth on 'Black Friday', and we saw the very first snow of the season in the form of a squall! I cannot imagine facing one of these out at sea.

Other than my annual decorating of the Corporate Christmas Tree (which was viewed by my retired predecessor, Miriam, declaring it 'Muy Bonita!'), the winter was fairly uneventful, unless you count the inches of snow which fell in the Tri-State area of NY, NJ, CT: I think it was close to 70" total - basically 2 years worth by the end of January 2011! Here's a pic from the first snowfall.

It started snowing on Dec 27th and we had a blizzard every week for 5 weeks! It was amazing!

Spring has just begun here in the northeast, but the first crocuses were covered with another blast of snow yesterday, but only about an inch or two. Like a last gasp or something.

Being spring with its meaning of new life, new chances, I have made a decision to ask for a rather large increase to my base salary - in order to remain at similar market levels to counterparts in my position: $17K. Of course, will advise on how that goes. Am I nervous...well, I'm 52 years old and have never EVER asked for a raise in my entire working life - 35 years! Always willing to take what's offered, not rocking the boat, etc. This time, I figure, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

BTW - here's the hair as of Dec 1 2010:

Why Do I Keep Living?

It seems no matter what route I choose, it is always the wrong one. Hubs wanted to wash the putside of the windows today, but couldn't find anything except earth-friendly products. I stopped the cleaning work I was doing and mixed him a sprayer with ammonia and warm water. He wouldn't use it; why didn't I use vinegar? I said you asked for chemicals. He continued to complain about wasting his time with earth friendly products.

The thought of staying another day under this roof with him is intolerable.

He actually worked for the past 5 weeks - great for him mentally and physically. He was laid off last Friday, and now has nothing on the horizon for any work; no idea re: eligibility for unemployment extension.

Well, he's awake from his nap - "you're on the computer? All day, you're talking to somebody..."

Broken

hurt mocked insulted degraded intimidated victimized crippled stricken demoralized ... broken

Friday, June 18, 2010 - Just a quick word

Nation...I wanted to post just so all know I am still alive. My boss has hired a new work comp person to replace my longtime friend and coworker, who sent a resignation letter mid-March, the morning after I begged her via telephone to reconsider. My mom always told me to never quit a job unless you've got another one to go to. I haven't always followed that advice, and when those times occurred, I was not better for it.

My new coworker is very young (25), quite a switch for me. And she works with me in NJ, not in faraway MN-CO-CA (where my former moved to and back in 8 years). I never realized how much I could appreciate the company of a coworker; my new little friend is just so bright, she grasps our processes very quickly and has tons of ideas to where she'd like to lead our safety and comp programs. I just value her so much - she is so funny, and lots of fun. We joke that between the 2 of us, we make 1 good employee!

All else is well; I started a good home practice and now will be trying to work cardio in as well.

I was worried that I was falling off the edge of the knife last weekend, so depressed, I slept for about 18 hours on Saturday and then took Monday off. Episode passed and was so busy the rest of this past week I had NO TIME to feel anything but busy - for me that's a plus!

TTFN

Graying Gracefully - Half a Length

Here I am as of early this month.

Drivers License Victory and a New Yoga Vision

Nation...on March 26, 2010 the husband was given a drivers license! It's the first time he has held a legal license in all the time I've known him, which is now bordering 28 years. Now he just needs some work so he can drive to a job.

This weekend, I will attend a 3-day immersion in 'Core Strength Vinyasa' Yoga - a practice started by Sadie Nardini in NYC. I've been a member of her online blog, and the practice centers around not only core movements (not just in yoga), but also anatomy and how to determine when a push can be too much. I am very concerned about positioning and alignment as I am paranoid about hurting more than I already do. Between my toes, heels and knees; I barely have a leg to stand on!! HA-HA!!

Oh well, very nervous about this yoga weekend - I've already taken Monday as a vacation day in preparation for the pain.

AHIMSA...Non-violence toward all living creatures

The yogic principle of Ahimsa is to practice non-violence toward all living creatures; this apparently also means to be non-violent to yourself as well. Can't seem to adapt that part of it.

Nation...last year my husband worked a total of 11 weeks (seriously) and this year he hasn't yet worked a day. We've been living on my salary, his unemployment extensions and the final payments of a work comp settlement from 2004/2005. Well, the most recent extension has been deemed ineligible(due to not enough base weeks for last year) and there are no more work comp checks. I met with my accountant this past weekend and found out that even if I were to refinance a new mortgage rate, I'd still not be able to lower the payments to a point I alone with my salary would be able to meet on a monthly basis.

I've been sick to my stomach since Saturday and when I vocalized this to the husband, he got pissed at me, closed his eyes and said "Why are we discussing finances? What's up, you seem like something's bothering you." He asks me to share but when I do, he yells at me for what I am sharing.

I've also been feeling pretty crapped on lately at work: it all started when my boss indicated (on paper) that my bonus for all the work I did last year amounted to $11,970! It was double the highest bonus I had ever received and that was 8 years ago. I was ecstatic! Imagine my dismay when the bonus check I received was for $7400 - not chicken feed by any means, but quite a bit less than what I'd been expecting. It seems our HR manager "read the wrong line" when giving out numbers. But shouldn't my manager have known that the number was wrong; she went on about how happy she was and I truly deserved the bonus - then I get $2500 less than expected. I also felt they should be compelled to give me the number that was promised.

On top of that, my daughters salary is only $8000 less than I make - she's been working for my employer for 3 years. I've been working here for 8 years. She's in Customer Service, I manage the insurance needs and training for the 1700-vehicle sales fleet. Does anyone see a disparity here, or is it just me?

I woke up feeling crapped on this morning (regarding the above) and the husband tells me to stop beating myself up "so much negativity"; this from the man who woke up this morning complaining about aches and pains and 'how will i work when the union calls me back?', this from the man who has whined about everything and everyone--what they have and how he's been screwed, since the day I have met him...my head felt like it was on fire; all I wanted to do was scream as loud as I could. I was crying in the bathroom while he kept telling me to fuck myself from out in the hallway, mocking the sounds of my tears. All because I wouldn't cheer up on his command.

Why does he ask me what's on my mind if he can't stand to hear it? I thought I was feeling so much better until recently, and now I'd so rather be dead.