Friday, February 13, 2009 -

Nation - so much has been going on since my last post, I've been mentally and physically very busy. The husband is on vacation in the Virgin Islands; he'll be back on Sunday after being away for 10 days. I had thought I'd be at the gym every day, really going full throttle back into taking better care of myself (I started back on Sat., Jan. 31st and absolutely overdid it; I was crippled until the following Wed., Feb. 4th) Instead of going back on the night of the 5th (the day the husband left) I went out to Cheesecake Factory for dinner with my daughter and her boyfriend (they gave us 3 slices of cheesecake free because they screwed up on our table assignment! How fortuitous that I had chosen to return to the gym!) I digress...

My intention was to go back to the gym; instead I have been painting my living room and dining room since Monday night after work. I've been up until 1AM every night this week: taping edges and removing electrical outlets (Mon), cutting in with a 2" brush (2 colors, 2 rooms Tue), rolling on coat #1 (2 colors, 2 rooms Wed), rolling on coat #2 (2 colors, 2 rooms Thu). Tonight, I will be doing some final touch ups, replacing hardware and pulling tape. Cleaning paint rollers is an exercise in futility. The absolute worst thing about painting is the clean up! What a fucking mess! And you have to do it each time you use the brushes, rollers, and pans. In my humble opinion, I think I did a great job, considering I have never brushed 1 stroke on any wall, anywhere. I have a whole new respect for painting contractors. After a full week of sweat, soreness (including spasms in my tendonitis-stressed elbow), paint in my hair, 4 hours of sleep per night, 8 hours of "abuse from my boss" work per day, I hope the husband isn't too upset with the depth of the colors I chose: Dark Ash (very dark grey) and Evening Hush (extremely dark/deep grey.) I gotta be about the gray, right? I think it looks very hip, and surprisingly elegant.

My elbow is killing me, and my right hand is throbbingly sore - no blisters, though.

Haircut tomorrow morning; how does hair become too long overnight to gel? One day it was good, then suddenly it all went to crap. Color is great though; one of the best decisions I've made as an adult.

Meeting my daughter for lunch; god I need sleep. I want to get that painting done TONIGHT - no exceptions. I may turn up the hot tub and soak on Sat night. Picking up the husband on Sunday night, and taking off Monday for a nice reunion day.

OH - almost forgot; while lying on the living room floor unscrewing socket covers last night, my daughter stepped out the front door (I figured maybe forgot something in her car.) She came back in with a dozen roses and a little bag containing a teddy bear and a heart box of truffles!

Special delivery - for me - long distance from the Caribbean! The husband is very disobedient: I told him no Valentine stuff, as we could do something together for the crazy prices they charge.

I'm glad he didn't listen! Happy Valentine's Day!

Sunday, January 25, 2009 - Early Bird

Nation...it's the dawn of a new America. Did anyone watch the Colbert Report on Inauguration Night? OMG it is classic TV with Stephen weeping and weeping! The spot goes on for close to 6 minutes, and it is just classic Stephen. I tried to embed the vid, but I think it's too long for the blog, so here's the link: http://blog.indecision2008.com/2009/01/21/stephen-colbert-gets-emotional-over-obamas-inauguration/ He is only sniffling in the beginning, but into the 4th minute, he is a snotty mess!

I've been feeling really good since my last post (the 3rd!). Work is going well, but the launch of the driver safety program is suffering from some glitches. I'm trying to work with those responsible, but it takes so much time out of the day, I sometimes don't feel as though I'm accomplishing all that could be done.

Physically I seem to be at an impasse with my body. I have been ruthlessly performing cardio of 55 minutes (Fri., 63mins, and yesterday 68mins) and when I got on the scale I weighed exactly what I did when I last saw the doctor. I see her on Thursday, so we'll see what she says.

The husband is already up and talking constantly, making comments about me being on the internet already. This is why I get up early, to be left alone - but to no avail.

Ok he's outside. I had crazy dreams about the ex-boyfriend last night. My daughter had an unexpected meeting w/her boyfriend's ex and another girl who broke up her first love. She was uncomfortable with the situation and we talked about it. The husband said "oh, it should be okay that if you see an ex that everyone sdhould be able to get together..." She and I were in the kitchen stuffing shells and I marched into the living room and started ranting about how during the workers compensation injury (2002-2004) and were at the medical mill in Elizabeth, I saw the ex-boyfriend on line to be seen and I thought I was gonna die. I wanted so much to say something, but due to his raging jealousy (which would have lasted for 2 weeks) which undoubtedly would have followed my even saying hello, I didn't and now I don't know if he even recognized me (I hope he did) never mind anything else.

He said, "you were foolish not to say hello." So what do I know? Nothing and less. My whole life is based on second-guessing.

Saturday, January 3, 2009 - Black Veil

Nation - is someone sane when they can feel the depression coming on? I can't even word what is wrong, but I am crying as I write this. I feel so stupid and worthless, I don't want to do anything that might take time to make me feel better; this includes cleaning the house, cooking, walking. I've been sleeping not only my 8 straight hours at night, but have taken 3-hour naps on Thursday and Friday, and am looking forward to one today.

I have to postpone my upcoming doctor appt, because I want to make sure I lose a couple of pounds so she keeps me on the phentermine. I also want her to up the dose. I've been using 37.5mg for years on and off (she doesn't know this), and she's got me on 15mg. Like that will ever help my fat ass.

This depression comes on the heels of the most hormonally-surged two weeks I've had since I can't even remember when. Following my husband around the house like a dog in heat. When I think of it, I'm kind of grossed out, as who wants an out-of-shape 50 year old panting around? I guess it's okay with him, or else he's a really good actor.

I do need to venture out later for a huge container to hold wrapping paper, and I need a couple of bottles of sandalwood-scented oil for my warmer in the car.

OK - back from the slog of humanity that is Saturday shopping in Paramus. I went - for the very first time - to The Container Store. What a bunch of crap! The prices were outrageous. Everything was made in China. I'm so tired of everything, it's nauseating. I never made it to The Body Shop for the sandlewood oil; too tired.

I need my Jamie, in his kilt, riding behind me on horseback, whispering all he'll do to me once we get home.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 - Survived Birthday #50

Nation - my long suffering family has once again managed to surprise me. While I did know that we'd be going to dinner (4-cheese pasta at Cheesecake Factory), I had asked for my favorite whipped cream cake from my ancient hometown (Newark, NJ) bakery "Royal Cake Box", which has since changed it's name to Supreme Bakery located to West Orange, NJ - and I did not see it in the icebox when I got home. I asked my husband did he happen to pick up the cake for me? "Why?" he asked. "Because I don't see it in the 'fridge" I answered. "I thought we were having cheesecake", he said. "Yes, but, since we had talked about the cake, I thought you guys may have picked one up" I responded. But then thought no more about it.

We had dinner, and took cheesecake slices to go. Went to bookstore next door and picked up #6 in my current Outlander series: "A Breath of Snow and Ashes" and went home. Then in the driveway the husband remembers his prescription, "here go pick it up" he said to me. "I'll wait for you to come with me" I say. We go in. My daughter is telling me I'm underfoot, get away from her; she was trying to stuff the cheesecake slices in thr 'fridge with the leftovers. So I went to the bathroom.

When I came out, house in total darkness. My husband, daughter and her boyfriend are in the kitchen singing "Happy Birthday" while my whipped cream cake, with the "5" and "0" candles, along with a giant "The Big 5-0" balloon are in the dining room! I was totally surprised. Also, got a pair of nice warm Uggs Lug-soled clogs in chocolate (of course)!



Cake was in the 'fridge the whole time (damn my eyes). I'd never get through anything without those guys at home! They are the reason I was born.

Happy birthday to me.

Sunday, December 28, 2008 - On the Edge of the Precipice

Nation - Tomorrow is my 50th birthday. I'm totally not anticipating this at all. My parents both died in their fifties: mom at 53, dad at 58. While 2 years ago, I was in the best fitness condition of my life, I am now perched on the edge of a diabetic coma: all I ever want to eat is sugar. I am seeing an endocrinologist and she is concerned about some pancreatic reading. If only I felt like exercising, I know 90% of my issues would dissipate. Menopause is still with me, as are the 17 days periods.

I have been plagued with nightmares of late as well. There was a bear chasing me, and it was at the apartment building I grew up in as a kid. I managed to escape but then remembered that the cats were in the apartment, so I went back to get them. I rescued them, which included one that died 7 years ago, and I heard the bear growling though the door and coming down the stairs after us. There was a couple of mentions of bears in the books I'm reading, however, bears have been in my dreams for over a year. I think they are manifestations of my hormone imbalance.

Speaking of hormone imbalances, I have been pornstar horny over the past 2 weeks; before, during, and after my period ended. I've been driving the husband nuts, and now he's telling me to leave him alone. Why couldn't I have been 1/2 this demanding while I was in my 30s? Again, just me being dumb. It sucks not having my mom to ask questions about getting fucking old. I know I could read forever articles and books on the internet, but I think you'd be better off with some info within your gene pool.

More stuff that irritates: free transport and surgery for foreign kids, whether they are war victims or born deformed. In 2007, my brother died of long treatable sepsis due to fucking hernia in a New Jersey hospital, and no one wanted to treat him because of state disability, yet bleeding hearts (of which I consider myself a liberal as well) will get doctors to perform free medical care and surgery on kids that go back to a cesspool of a third world country. If I hear one more "feel good story", ...

Soon as the husband goes to take his nap, I'll be back to page 490 in my book replacing Claire with myself as Jamie stands her up against a brick wall in the barn and holds her neck down to watch his cock slam her. Wonder if this is adding to my hormonal state...

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 - countdown to Christmas

Nation - I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks since my last entry. I have been reading the most fascinating and gripping series of books into which I have ever had the intense pleasure of delving. "Outlander" by Diana Gabaldon is a series of 6 books (soon to be 7 in Spring 2009) about a nurse from 1947 who, through no fault of her own, falls through a circle of standing stones in Inverness, Scotland and back in time to 1743 just prior to the Rising, when Charles Stuart attempted to bloody force his way back onto the throne. It's a "historic romance" I like to say, as it can be found factual from a historic standpoint, there is plenty of extremely descriptive sex between this lady and her eternal love, who she lovingly refers to as her "wooly mammoth". The SIL and her husband turned me on to these books in September, but I didn't start reading til almost Halloween, but haven't stopped since!! I'm on #5!

Back to the original idea behind my blog - Graying Gracefully. Here is me today (ignore my crepe-y neck):
Now it seems my hair isn't growing nearly as quickly as it did when it was longer. I so want the yellow blond out; now it's taking forever. People who have seen me in both styles love the shorter cut - telling me I'm brave. Hope that's not a euphanism for ugly.

Sunday, December 7, 2008 - Good Memories

Nation...I never discussed the visit to the family compound for Thanksgiving, but first I need to tell you about something closer to home.

While driving home from work on Friday (5th), I was listening to holiday music and really feeling the loss of Christopher. We have again decided this year to forego a decorated inside tree, and concentrate on smaller decorations (part from loss of spirit, but more for ease of cleanup.) Coming down my street, my cd player had already started playing a 1950's version of Frank Sinatra singing "Let It Snow!" It's very big bandish and great. It was about 4:30 and most of my neighbors' lights had already timed on, but then I saw lights all over my own little house! The front of the house and gargage was lit, my 7 little christmas trees lined and lit my curving front walk, and my 2 little penguins were lit and tipping their hats on the front lawn. Strung around the front door and draping over my new front railings was my special-order garland of "frozen ice" lights. In the center of it all was my beloved and long-suffering husband, Willie, tangled in about 1000' of extension cords and animated-ly waving like a slow-operating plug-in figure. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and quite unexpected! I immediately felt my heart swell and started crying! I'm crying now as I remember the scene. Willie and I have stupid problems between us, like why we can't hear each other from room to room, or misunderstanding statements each other make. He is the most supportive man (when he allows himself to be) I have ever known, and I am so thoroughly grateful that we have each other.

I'll be brief on Thanksgiving because my elbow is screaming today (probably due in part to the decorating I did alone yesterday at my job. Drag the tree from storage in the building, set it up, strung the lights, ornaments, garland...then there were the animated reindeers. I'll publish photos this week)

Thanksgiving Day drive to the compound was quick and uneventful (I drove with Willie; my daughter and her boyfriend in her car separately) We drove straight to my middle niece's house as she was hosting with her husband and the precious new baby. My SIL and nephew's mom, Elaine, were cooking in the kitchen. It was iconic: in the kitchen of a 100-year-old Victorian on Thanksgiving Day! What else do you need for a Norman Rockwell painting? "Where's the antagonist; where's the drama?" as Martin Scorsese says on the American Express commercial. Well, the antagonist arrived: Propagrampa. Unfortunately, Elaine (who in her late 60's probably, is vocal, extremely well-read, and liberal) made the mistake of innocently asking Propa-G "so what did you think of the election?" From the kitchen, I heard Propa-G launch full-volume into a tirade previously unheard in the little hamlet. The SIL and I were yelling from the kitchen to stop, but it was like we weren't even there. My niece stepped in after Propa-G's comment of "Obama is no better than Adolph Hitler." All through his speech, the FIL kept his legs crossed as well as his arms across his chest, absolutely closed to any opinion or words except his own. After that exchange, it got alot better and dinner was out of this world. We could have eaten fast food, and I still would have enjoyed the company just as much. My SIL and I ventured out at around 11AM on "Black Friday" and found the local malls extremely easy to navigate. On Saturday, we (me, Willie, the SIL, her husband, the niece and her husband) all drove to the coast and had a fantastic lunch at a local brewery. I had my first taste of mulled cider (yum-o), and then we all had Starbucks and shopped in an extremely quaint and wonderful Main Street of town, complete with gaslights and brick sidewalks. Very New England. My heart breaks when I have to leave.